Paranoia Invades North Veronica
"Mykonos" by Fleet Foxes
[I write a lot in the entry. Whenever I do that, I worry no one will read it. That makes me sad.]
Friday August 15, 2014 2:30 AM
My face is really soft. Shit, that's not how I wanted to start this entry.
(If my diary were a TV show, right about NOW is when the theme song would be playing.)
I cry at night. Not like hours of weeping or anything, it's just... I try to sleep and I find myself trying so hard to relax, harder than I should have to. I find that my forehead is creased (like I was worrying or something) and my shoulders are up by my jaw, all tense and whatnot. At that moment, I realize that I am anxious and everything hits me and I kind of put my hand over my eyes and sob. A lot of the time, I sob and no tears come out. I'm too tired for that shit.
I think maybe I used to cry at night when I was depressed, too. But, no... I am depressed, aren't I? Or if the bipolar thing is correct, I guess I just experienced a depressive episode or whatever.
This sucks. I'm not unhappy. I actually feel pretty good. I just got my hair bleached and dyed purple, which is something I've wanted for a long time. Yeah, I know, it doesn't look super mature but I don't really care because I love it and I know other people who love it. Therefore it is okay.
Also, I got compared to a flower and I asked if it was a violet and she said yes, and THAT made me super happy. I really like violets. I also really like purple. It's strange because I usually go for more subtle colors in my appearance. Lot's of light greys and whites and blue jeans.
So this entry is about sleep, or at least that's what I meant to write about. I can't sleep. That's a lie, I can sleep. The issue is that it takes me a couple hours of lying completely (okay, fine, I shift hand and leg positions occasionally) still in order to finally fall unconscious. It's really, REALLY annoying. Not to mention boring.
Oh, but it gets worse. Every day for awhile now I get hit by these half hour long waves of nausea. Not nausea where I know if I breathe, I'll puke but just enough to make me feel super uncomfortable. Also, I almost constantly have a headache.
Even now, I have a headache. When I try to sleep, all I can think about is how even the fucking pillow hurts my head. I can't lie down ON A PEICE OF CLOTH STUFFED WITH FLUFF WITHOUT IT HURTING.
Then there's the incessant worrying that I seem to have NO control over. I wonder if I didn't have this anxiety, would I even have my flimsy diagnosis of bipolar?
I'D SAY HELL NO.
Then again, I can never tell. UGH THAT IN ITSELF WORRIES ME. I CAN'T TELL.
My face is a bit itchy, but it's soft and each time I rub it, I hear this silky sound. I can't actually tell if I'm hearing this sound or feeling it or both.
My mom is right. Her and my dad are thinking about sending me back to my psychiatrist (I see her later this month, anyway) for sleep meds. I DON'T WANT THAT.
She is right that I need help sleeping in order to function during school. The thing that bothers me the most is my headaches and sicky-feeling.
I am getting increasingly paranoid. About a lot of things. As usual, I refuse to look in mirrors in the dark. That's a fear I've had since I was a kid. When I look at faces in the dark, they shift. It's fucking creepy. It happened when I looked at my neighbor once. Her face turned into this cat-like creature. It looked like those cat nurses in Doctor Who during one of the first episodes containing the tenth doctor (David Tennant) and Rose. It also happened this summer when I looked at Dax's face and freaked the fuck out because it looked weird... I think it was a skeleton???
I also get really uncomfortable when something rests against my neck. Even if it's just the collar of my shirt, I need to convince myself I'm not choking.
The biggest fear of all, though, is that I have an issue with my brain. Whether it's a tumor or an aneurysm waiting to happen, I don't care.
Most likely, there is no serious reason I have been getting migraines for years. Maybe nothing is causing the headaches I am experiencing more and more frequently. It could be nothing.
My brain won't let me believe that. I'm not dehydrated. I drink lots of water. I eat a normal amount. I don't drink a lot of caffeine (our coffee machine thing broke *insert sad face*).
SO WHAT IS IT??? MY PARANOIA LIKES TO WHISPER IN MY EARS TELLING ME THAT DEATH IS GROWING IN MY HEAD. THAT THIS TIME, IT'S NOT A CHOICE OR A TEMPTATION OR A WAY OUT OFFERED BY A MENTAL ILLNESS.
PARANOIA HAS A MANIACAL GRIN THAT NEVER FADES AND EYES MADE OF COLORS THAT DON'T EXIST. HIS WHISPERS, I SWEAR TO GOD, ARE SNAKES.
I see shadows out the corners of my eyes. Shadows of bugs. Sometimes I feel completely sane. TOO sane. Like I am so fucking sane that I can kill whoever I want and... and it'd be normal. It'd be fucked up and crazy but (even though this doesn't make sense) sane.
No, I'm not trying to say INsane. I mean SANE. Normal brain chemistry. Normal habits. All that good stuff.
I think about how I could do whatever terrible thing I want without reason if I wanted to, just because.
It's so quiet, all of the sudden. All noise everywhere, even in my head, just evaporated.
Except for the music. Only one part of it is playing and it's driving me crazy. Not this song. One called "Walking" by The Dodos.
It says, "You can fight the fire inside your head. *folk-y guitar strumming*"
BUT IT'S SO REPETITIVE. I DON'T FEEL I CAN FIGHT THAT FIRE, IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.
I was hot a moment ago. Now I have goosebumps. What does this mean?
Noises don't feel real to me. They do, but they don't. It's almost as if I never heard them. You know how you can remember hearing something? And you recreate the sound you just heard in your head, but you can tell it's not the same thing?
Well I can't remember experiencing the sounds I just heard, but I have memories. I know they were real, but I try so hard.. to remember how it felt... to listen to them, but I can't. I think it's because I wasn't paying attention to them. I didn't realize I heard them until the sounds had dissipated.
Now I'm trying to remember. Did i hear an owl hoot? No, that's not possible. It came from my basement. It was not a fucking owl.
Was it the sound of someone's hand pressing on a window and sliding? Like in horror movies, when a bloody hand slaps the window and slowly slips away?
I might have a new thing. North Veronica might mean when I am in my head, thinking. South Veronica might be when I feel less smart and less thoughtful. Nah, that's kinda stupid. I'll trash it.
The human race is such scum. We are the least violent we have ever been, yet there is still so much shit going on. It makes me feel hopeless. All the scams and disagreement and idiocy.
One thing that makes me angry is feminist women who hate men. If you're looking for equality, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EXCLUDE MEN? Makes no damn sense. Also, why would you try to act like a man to gain respect? THAT ALSO MAKES NO SENSE. If you want equality, don't act like men are better by parading as one. And don't hate on girls who like acting girly.
While there are so many beautiful humans out there, at the same time, people are pieces of shit.
Alright. I'll try sleeping, again. God, I can't stand the silence. Some arms around me to ease this intense overthinking/loneliness would be nice, but that ain't gonna happen.
Currently, I am without a crush. And I kind of want to blow my head off in annoyance. Not feeling actually suicidal, just so... irritated with how much work there is. It reminds me too much of my home, haha.
Okay... Enough complaining. I really have to sleep, because tomorrow, I'm going to Laney's. I'm not super excited to go because... ehh, I'm just not. I don't really want to exercise. I went to Lily's the other day, that was really nice. She made me pancakes and we played minecraft and SOMEHOW I ENDED UP THE BORING HOUSEWIFE WHO BROUGHT HER FOOD AND SUPPLIES DOWN IN THE MINES. This was after I murdered her three times (Not in cold blood, she fucking hit me with a sword, I was just defending myself!!!) and she killed me once.
On that pleasant note... Goodnight, Nightvale. Goodnight.
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