wet blanket
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2014-08-13 14:05:09 (UTC)

Jacob and i had a fight last..

Jacob and i had a fight last night.
I swear it's one of the worst nights of my life. Not the worst, but one of them.
when you really truly care about someone.. you can't just switch those feelings off? right. Jacob just said he didn't care. He didn't care about me while i was lying there bawling my eyes out constantly. He just got so angry. i felt so worthless, so pointless and honestly i just wanted to cut my arms open. i just didn't know how to make it better.
I had two panic attacks.
i can't do it without him.
and the same line just keeps running through my head. While i was just lying there crying he just said " why don't you just go fuck Brodie then you slut". and he sounded.. so genuinly hateful. I went into panic and i couldn't breathe.

And then later after more crying and him sitting there wanting to leave so badly but being stuck there with someone as disgusting as me. He just .. hugged me and,
weirdly i went into another panic attack because having him back so suddenly i don't know. it just made me realise how easy it could be to potentially lose what we have.i couldn't breathe properly, and it was really bad.

And then we had sex. i just wanted him to have at least something from me. Since i'd ruined the night. and ruined so much,

i really just can't stop thinking about that line though.
I really just hate myself sometimes.

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