☣PYROMANIAC☣

✖✖Playing With Matches✖✖
2014-08-11 22:09:18 (UTC)

I'm So Done

Have you ever just felt so angry..
To the point where you feel like.. you're about to errupt..
Have you ever felt just nothing but destruction inside..
You just want to cause so much mayhem and chaos...
Just to FUCK something right up...

Have you ever just wanted to burn something for no reason?
Just to watch fire?
Just to watch something completely just.. be destroyed before your eyes?

I'm so angry that I just want to chuck something through my window...
I want to rip apart my room..
I want to smash something..

These raging emotions boil and bash around in my chest...
I want to cry hysterically and break things all at the same time..

I floated under unconsciousness instead of sleeping.

T ignored me while walking up the stairs today.

This morning with my friends... I just wasn't into it.
I just couldn't speak..

First block.. I'm alone. No friends, and I'm the only senior.
Second block.. I HAVE a friend.. Ash. She's been one of my best friends since middle school... but like... she doesn't talk to me.
She listens to music. It's like I'm not there..
Third block.. I have two friends.. lunch.. I have some friends..
But like I said.. I just wasn't into it. I was in a fog.
It's not like lunch last year... with Gurrett, Steven, Jerdan, Andeh, and.. Alex.

Fourth block is when it hit me big time.
No friends. No one to talk to. But in this particular class.. all we do is labs with groups... Doesn't work well for me.
I ended up embarrassing myself multiple times.. And sitting at the sidelines not talking.. or helping.. all class period.
I got on the bus, and T's and her step sister just.. talked around me.

I didn't have anything to say.. The ache is in my throat.. I just couldn't talk..
So eventually I just plugged in my music. (Which T hates.)
I nearly fell apart while listening to "This Is War" by 30 seconds to Mars...
All I could think of.. all I could imagine..
Was how to die the the least amount of pain.

And then I got home.


I binge ate.
I just had to have something fill the hole inside.
I ate and ate and ate.

Then.. I got a message from Sarah.

DANA
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED AT LUNCH

ALEX ASKED ME TO HOMECOMING
AND I SAID YES.

.......


That's when I fell apart.
That's when I just shattered all over again.
That's when I just wanted to fuck something up...
That's when I was just so done with everything..

This is my 300th entry..
My second day of my senior year..

And I'm just so done with everything.

-PYROMANIAC




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