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2014-08-11 17:38:29 (UTC)

I Am Okay

"The Stable Song" by Gregory Alan Isakov [Gorgeous song, it makes my heart beat]

"You Are The Moon" by The Hush Sound

Shadows all around you
As you surface from the dark
Emerging from the gentle grip
Of night's unfolding arms
Darkness, darkness everywhere,
Do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity,
The heavy weight of stone

You don't see what you possess,
A beauty calm and clear
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness
Like a chandelier
All the light that you possess
Is skewed by lakes and seas
The shattered surface, so imperfect,
Is all that you believe

I will bring a mirror,
So silver, so exact,
So precise and so pristine,
A perfect pane of glass
I will set the mirror up
To face the blackened sky
You will see your beauty every
Moment that you rise

[I gotta say, this has to be one of my favorite songs of all time. Like Paramore, I used to listen to this band a lot in elementary school. This song, though, has always been a favorite. It is beautiful and poetic and that's why I posted all the lyrics. I really hope you read them. Please?]

August 11, 2014 Monday 1:42 PM

I am so shocked that I am not on the floor crying my eyes out right now.

A lot has happened. A lot for me, at least.

First, my diary was deleted due to a glitch in the site. That was terrible. I cried REALLY hard that night and didn't sleep until eight in the morning.

Then, Sam came over. She brought vodka and weed. We had both. We made out. I regretted it, deeply. I also decided after that moment that I am heterosexual. I don't think it's possible for anyone to be completely straight, but I don't want to be that close to a girl ever again unless we're hugging or holding hands.

Also, I think she said I was a bad kisser. That fucking sucks. I kinda realized that as a sufferer of General Anxiety Disorder, I worry about everything. I mean things I wasn't even conscious of worrying about.

I worry about being good at kissing, good at sex, all that shit that seems kinda far in the future. Minus the kissing. I dunno. I try to make myself feel better about it by thinking about how I was bad at smoking at first, but now I'm pretty good.

Okay... Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up and puked on EVERYTHING. Everything. Sam was still there. I puked on the floor, the comforter, my loft bed. I fell asleep in my new puke and... This is disgusting, but I was so fucked up, I spent like the next six hours in my own vomit.

In the early morning, I had to send all my stuff down to the laundry and I cleaned my floor. I was so ashamed. A deep shame I haven't felt since I tried to kill myself. SO MUCH REGRET.

Sam went home and I spent the day thinking about the previous night. I decided that I would not drink vodka ever again, for one thing. I DEFINITELY would not mix weed and vodka again. I would smoke less weed from now on, too. That's barely any because already, I don't smoke often.

I like being sober. I like feeling everything or nothing and remembering the moments and making decisions that I can count on. I like REAL conversations, not blabbering while high.

I think I'll also hang out with Sam less. Not completely because we made out (which was awkward and oh my god, I regret it) but because she's such an angry person. She's angry and I don't agree with her on a lot of big stuff. She's racist towards people from Iraq or foreign countries around there and she has a fiery hatred of Obama.

I don't share that. I don't have a fiery hatred of ANY political candidate. I think that's unhealthy. And I think racism (especially when you're aware of it and STILL encourage yourself to think that way) is just... this goes without saying, but I think it's awful and I really wish the human mind didn't work that way.

I'm the same. I have stereotypes of other races, too. I don't even really know my race (my genes tell me I'm mostly hispanic, but my culture is mostly American). It doesn't matter, though.

The point is, as humans, we recognize patterns and to do that, don't you need to first acknowledge differences between things? So, yeah. It's natural that we do that, but we do it in such a terrible way. I don't feel like continuing on this path since I have other stuff to say, but I hope you understand.

So... I think I realized that relationships are always going to be hard for me. I show my fake flaws, my noble flaws to people, not my real ones. I show them my history with depression, not my endless whining.

I'm going to list my mental flaws. Not to make myself feel bad, but just so I recognize that these are stuff I actually don't want to share.

- I am angry and when I have really bad fits of anger, I will throw some weak punches and I will hurt myself
- Sometimes, I'm not a rational person
- I get pissed over small things but not big things
- I am clingy and I might compliment you too much. That's seriously a problem, it scares people, haha
- I don't know how to share or open up
- I don't know how to approach people
- I can be really selfish
- I am lazy, really lazy. i can't motivate myself to do things a lot of the time.
- I don't work as hard as I know I could (along the same lines as the above one)
- I pity myself
- I get confused and my thoughts change daily. If you ask me the same question twice with a couple hours in between, the answer is not likely to be the same.
- People make me uncomfortable because of my sensitivity and anxiety

If more come to mind, I'll list them in future entries.

Finally, my mom made a long confession about how she thinks about divorcing my dad. I'm not surprised. Or sad.

I don't know how I feel. I'm not surprised because she used to do this to me. She used to talk about leaving him to me. Then, they went to marriage counseling. It got a bit better. I think it's getting worse again, though. My dad is being an angry dude and my mom is always complaining.

They argue a lot.

Would I be sad if they divorced? Maybe. Maybe not. I can't tell right now.

A lot has happened and I feel like I should be depressed right now, but the strangest thing has happened.

I am defiant. I talked myself through the bad feelings. I firmly convinced myself it was really fucking temporary and that I swear to god, i wouldn't let it ruin the next few weeks/years of my life.

I feel the most emotionally stable I have felt in months. I feel almost strong. I am, surprisingly enough, totally okay.

I look at myself in the mirror and I'm fine. I don't feel ugly. I don't feel like a model. I just feel fine, wearing no make-up, in a t-shirt and winnie the pooh boxers with my hair messy.

Nothing feels wrong anymore. People are beautiful again. Anything is possible.

Good day. *salutes you*

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