LustingforNightmares

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2014-08-01 23:46:02 (UTC)

God Forgive My Tasteless Tongue


"I'm Only Joking" by KONGOS

Maybe the planets
Are trying to become the stars
And we really came from Mars

The earth is alive
And man is a parasite
(and) Heavenly bodies make us fight]


"Despite What You've Been Told" by Two Gallants [THIS SONG THOUGH, PLEASE LISTEN TO IT]

Well I’m just a kid of ill repute
But the skin I wear is my only suit..
And you you’re just a substitute
For the one that I hold dear

You know you could be anyone
God forgive my tasteless tongue
I never should have been set free

I carve my eyes, I skin my face
And beg some how to be replaced
That’s how we deal with boys like me

August 2, 2014 Saturday 12:46 AM

I did good today, but still the sadness hasn't gone away. I tried bruising myself. Not completely on purpose... I was watching Netflix and then I guess I just.. kept hitting myself in the leg where the cuts are (a bruise should be forming, it's sensitive to the touch).

I'm so stupid, but that's okay. I'm also hilarious and weird and different. At the same time, I'm no different from anyone else. Does that make sense? Probably not. I like feeling smart.

It's like... That one time when I was anxious (or hypomanic, who knows. I'd say who cares BUT I REALLY CARE so) and it felt like I could suddenly... see everything.

Like I could see everything that I knew and thought all at once but I couldn't understand it. Or as I put it before, the universe was expanding inside my head. That's the most accurate way to describe how it felt.

So feeling smart feels a bit like that, only I can't see as much (that's a good thing) and I understand what I can see.

God, I love this song... My favorite lyric, although not super deep, is "God forgive my tasteless tongue, I never should have been set free." I think it's so beautiful and I don't know why. Tasteless tongue...

Sam invited me to an amusement park tomorrow but I lied and said I couldn't go. My reasons:

1) Last time we hung out wasn't so great and at least then, if I wanted to, I could've escaped. Weird thing is, I had chances to leave but I didn't until it seemed like my presence was no longer welcome.

2) I feel in no condition to run around a crowded place with rides as disappointing as horror movies.


I still refuse to talk to pretty much anyone unless it's Laney and Lily. Even them, I haven't spoken to all day but I took a shower and got dressed and went outside. I did that. So bam.

Tomorrow, I will continue being clean but I'll also give my dog a bath and vaccuum the living room.


Something slightly weird happened. Ethan yelled from Caroline's room, "RONK, HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

Ronk has been my nickname since childhood. I had a friend named Jacob who couldn't pronounce my name (Veronica) so he called me Veronka, or Ronk for short.

Anyway, so I said, "FIFTEEN.... WHY?"

"JUST WONDERING"

"WHY???"

I banged on the door till they unlocked it (they always lock it these days which is weird since I'm fairly positive they're not having sex. THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME LAST YEAR I WALKED IN ON THEM. UGHHHH).

Ethan (I call him Piffan, like pee-fan or like his name with a P in front of it. I don't know why, the same reason I... oh I can't tell you my sister's nickname since I don't use her real name, haha) opened the door and said something like,

"We can't hang out with you."

I said, "Why would you want to?"

"We can't hang out with you. You know how it'd be weird if a twenty something year old dated a twelve year old but not weird if a thirty year old dated a twenty two year old?"

Okay. What.

"What?"

Then he was all, "if you were seventeen we could hang out with you buttt it'd be weird now."

I guess????

But what I had meant was, "Why would you want to be my friend? All i do in a day is sit around??"

Caroline was all like, "ME TOO BUT I'M COOL RIGHT?"

Me: no

I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN HOW WEIRD I AM IN REAL LIFE. I'LL TRY. I UNDERSTAND IF YOU NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN, BUT I'M NOT THIS WEIRD UNTIL YOU'VE KNOWN ME FOR AWHILE. OR UNLESS I GET TO BE THE STRANGE, CREEPY LITTLE SISTER. I KNOW WEDNESDAY FROM THE ADDAMS FAMILY WAS THE OLDEST BUT THAT'S ME.

I was gonna try and describe how I am in person but that is WAY too complex so... nevermind and goodbye.


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