I Waste My Life On These Situations
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2014-08-01 20:52:11 (UTC)

WTF Was I Thinking

This title could have so many meanings. Like, what was I thinking when I made this two years ago, what was I thinking when I wrote what I wrote, or what was I thinking when I wasted almost two years of my life on some boy. Here's the story.
So Blake, whom I have talked about in the past. I met him when I was a freshman and now im a junior. We were doing so good, but then he decided that since he is going to college and Im stuck here in Adams County that we shouldn't be together because that is what is best. So, we broke up the day after prom. Why the day after, you may ask? Because he decided this a month before prom. I chose to not even acknowledge the fact that he didn't want anything to do with me and acted like everything was just fine. In reality though, nothing was okay. Anyways, we ended it and I thought the best way for me to get over it was to ignore everything that had anything to do with him. I did exactly that.
I hated the thought of being alone, so I tried a few different things. I went back to my ex that cheated on me countless times to see if he would talk to me. My plan was to change him and maybe get with him again, but then I thought maybe I shouldn't stoop that low. Im better than that. Then I tried with a new guy. A guy a year younger than me that wasn't a partier or anything. Just a low-key nobody. Turns out, he doesn't like to make conversation. Then I thought to myself that maybe I should try and get Blake to want me, or maybe I should try to distract myself. Well, I started to give up and I didn't go back to Blake, I would've felt so pathetic.
Just before I decided I was quitting with everything, I received this DM on twitter. It was from this guy named Jarred Pelletier. At that point I was just done, so I was kind of rude. I thought maybe I could scare him away, but he stayed. I ended up giving him my number. At that point it would have been about three days talking on Twitter. I then found out more about him. We had the same interests in music, we both love everything outdoors, we both love dogs. Basically, we liked a lot of the same things. Now, let me remind you that I have never met this guy before or have seen him in real life or anything. He said "Hey, lets hang out in person.". At this point I was nervous. I was jumping into this friendship that had the potential to turn into a relationship. Relationships lead to heartache. Who wouldn't be scared?
The day I was supposed to hang out with him rolled around. I almost chickened out. He lived in Kentucky and I lived in Ohio, but he grew up in the same place I lived in. Anyways, it took him about 30 minuets to get to my house. I kept getting more and more nervous. Finally he picked my up and when I got in the car and saw him for the first time, it wasn't what I was expecting. I was honestly expecting a douche that wanted to get into my pants by the end of the day. But you guys, this guy. Jarred Pelletier. He looked like the sweetest and most nervous guy on the planet.
Well we went out and got something to eat and he took me to where he used to live and showed me everything about his life in Ohio. I kept learning more about him. I was so nervous though, I couldn't even look at him without my face getting red. He then took me home.
I sat in bed that night and recapped the whole day. I then told myself not to get my hopes up. That im not ready, and I cant see him anymore. He called me that night and we talked about everything. Lucky me, I found out that he recently got out of a two year relationship. He told me that he had fun, but he was scared. Why was he scared? He said "I felt a connection with you today, and I think we have potential in the future, but things like that lead to heartbreak.". He understood, but funny thing is, I did not feel any type of connection. I thought that maybe I should keep hanging out with him because there was something about this Jarred Pelletier that just kept pulling me back to him.
About a month rolled around of me talking to him and Skyping him, and everything. I started to feel a little better about him. Like I wasn't so weary about things. Then, on the phone one night, he told me about this connection he felt with me and such. I told him my heart is there, but my head isn't. I told him that I wasn't over Blake, and that I missed him, and that I'm no where near ready to even think about feelings because I was scared and unsure. He said he totally understood, because he felt the same way except he was over his ex, he was just scared of getting hurt. Again, that went well for me. Then I decided that im going to have him meet my mom and my step father. It was an awkward experience. My step father had a talk with him since Jarred is kind of four years older than me, and Jarred told my step father about how he had this connection with me when he first met me and that he did consider the age difference, but thought that it shouldn't get in the way of what he felt for me. You know what? That's when I had that little spark of admiration for him. The way he said that with confidence and how he stated his opinion about it. I realized that he kind of cared.
Now, don't get me wrong. These past three months have been one hell of a journey for me. I have loved every second of it though. Well, my mom and my step dad like him, but my biological dad and my bitch of a step mother don't because hes older. You see, that is a whole other story. I'm not even going to get into that.
Jarred has been over at my house a lot to hang out with me and one night while he was here, something happened. Nothing too erotic or crazy, just something, and then that made me realize the actual admiration I had for him. So, that night on the phone I had to ask him where we were. You see, at this point we kind of acted like a fresh new couple, but we weren't because I kept telling myself that I wasn't ready and I knew he was scared to get hurt. But yeah, I asked him. I thought he would want to take it to the next level and become an actual couple, but he said his head wasn't all there still. I was astonished, and scared. Then I had to sit back and think. Was he just doing all that because he doesn't want to be alone or what. Well, a few days later after the phone conversation where I was basically shot down, I told him that I was sorry for even bringing something like that up because we both were scared. He told me everything was okay. A few days later he told me he had his mind set, he knows what he wants and on July 30th we became an official couple.
Since my biological father didn't seem too fond of him, I snuck out in the middle of the night so I could spend time with him when I was visiting. That is a rush, and I love it. To another topic though. I felt that connection finally, right? It feels great, but I was still holding back a little. I mean yeah, im goofy with him, I can be myself around him, I'm even so comfortable with him I tell him when I poop. Lol. But here recently, when he was over, we were laying in my bed and talking about the fall. You know, he's going to college in Kentucky, and im back home in high school with a ton of things on my plate between all my extra curricular activities. We were talking about how much time we were going to get to see each other. He said " We will see each other. I'll make sure of it. I have faith, and we can do it. Everything will be just fine.". With Blake, he never had faith about it. I was the one with the positive attitude about it and he just didn't think we could do it at all. I was so happy when Jarred said that to me. I could see the care he has for me, it was similar to the care I had for Blake, and that made me feel so good because I knew how much I cared for my ex. I cared so much. And seeing that Jarred cared about me that much just makes me feel so good. Well, after he said that I looked up at him. Everything then just seemed so beautiful to me. Everything about him was just so great. That is when I realized that I might be falling in love with Jarred Pelletier. Since then, when we go to say our goodbyes, I think that he tells me that he loves me and it freaks me out and I have to ask what he just said. I don't know if I'm just crazy or..... Yeah, I'm just crazy. I really like this guy. It's not anything like the feelings I had for Blake. Now that I look back on it and compare my last relationship to this one, I realize that I forced myself to be with him. He was so mean and thought that he was superior to everyone, and it really made me feel bad about myself. But now im with Jarred Pelletier, and im falling in love

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