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2014-08-01 14:13:01 (UTC)


"Broke" by Modest Mouse

"Sugar On My Tongue" by Talking Heads

"That Great Love Sound" by The Raveonettes

[My music tastes have officially shifted into another phase]

August 1, 2014 Friday 3:15 PM

Wow, it's daylight and I'm actually writing.

I don't have the same mindset as I did last night, but I still feel like I'm being crushed in an agonizingly slow manner.

It was hard getting to sleep last night. I didn't try until it was about two thirty and then I don't think I succeeded until it was almost four in the morning. At some point, I kept breathing really shallow.

I tried hard, but my thoughts wouldn't stop. They came in waves of worry and it was hard to breathe.

Once I fell unconscious, it was hard to wake up. My dreams were vivid but I can't remember them anymore. I remember at some point, I was on a horse and we were running away... We were being chased... It was a shadow, the scariest shadow I'd ever seen. Always changing. As always, at some point, there was water. The nightmares now come to me EVERY NIGHT and they get easier to remember. They get larger in my head. Everything about them is increasing, magnifying.

I don't want to grow up this fast. I really am not ready. (No, stop thinking about that.)

Okay. Okay, I'll stop. Thanks, self. You're being nice, today. You haven't even called me fat or ugly. (I only try to tell you the truth. Luckily, none of that is AS true today).

Is that logical?... Whatever.

Anyway. I made a choice. I am going to focus on one thing today: being hygienic. What happens when I'm upset is that I stop taking care of myself. I stop brushing my teeth, my hair, I stop taking showers or changing my clothes.

It's gross, I know, but I lose the will to do anything. The only responsibility I am giving myself today is to be clean. So far, I'm doing okay. I washed my face and brushed my teeth after I ate. Now, I'm gonna go take a shower so I don't feel this disgusting and I'll change my clothes.

I'm hoping I'll get farther in my book (The Greek Myths by Robert Graves. Arguably the best book to read if you want to know things about Greek Mythology. It's not for beginners because it has SO many versions of each myth, but I love it).

I'm also hoping I'll stop watching so much netflix. For today, these are just hopes. I am not going to put too much pressure on myself today because that has been the issue. I haven't been doing shit even though I have a pile of stuff to do. I'm destroying that mental list and just leaving behind a few simple stuff I know I can accomplish.

I don't like feeling this hopeless and defeated. I'm going to fix it. I'm not being strong when I say I will NOT let this mental illness destroy me. I'm not being determined, or anything anyone would envy.

All I am doing is paying my debts. I owe it to my family and friends to be okay and to be there for them. I owe it to myself to be happy for awhile. (Why do I see "myself" as a separate person from me??? That makes no sense. I don't feel like I'm doing this for me. I feel like I'm doing it for myself. That's supposed to mean the same thing but to me it doesn't. Not at all.)

No, I'm not strong. Not yet.