"Ottoman" by Vampire Weekend
August (no, I'm not ready, come back July. I'm sorry I ever wished for another month, all I want is you forever, i swear, don't leave) 1, 2014 Friday 1:26 AM
I. Feel. Like. Absolute. Shit.
THINGS I HAVE DONE TODAY, SUMMARIZED:
-Finished what remained of Hemlock Grove on Netflix
-Watched some Once Upon A Time (even though it's cheesy as fuuuck)
- Thought about how I'm fat
- Got into a fight with my mom
-dissolved into tears again
- cut myself (although it barely even counts because it wasn't deep at all, just bright red and a bit bloody)
-accidentally cut myself while trying to cut a bandage to fit my tiny wounds
-went to Laney's house with Aaron.
-THEY HAD TO MENTION DEPRESSEDHISPANICKID'S FUCKING DICK, LIKE PLEASE NO
- they patronized me when saying, "Oh, honey. His dicks not ACTUALLY that big, he lied, every boy lies." About a post he made.
NO FUCKING DUH. Not about his dick, i mean, i don't even want to.. talk about that or think about that please brain stop I'm disgusted right now.
I mean no fucking duh about that whole "every boy lies". I haven't had a boyfriend. Aaron has had two. Laney has had one and that was only for like a week or two. YES, i have kissed a guy (or the other way around?).
I know people lie. That's obvious. I don't like being treated like I don't know shit, like I'm inexperienced. Not unless you're genuine. If you act all condescending, I get an urge to KILL YOU.
It goes back to my childhood I guess, but I don't want to get into that.
I'M SO TIRED OF ALL THIS. TIRED OF EVERY RESPONSIBILITY I HAVE. AND MY PHONE IS BEING STUPID SO HALF THE TIME I CAN'T CHECK MY EMAIL AND I DONT GET MESSAGES. I'm so sorry. I'm being stupid. It's shitty of me to feel like this since a lot of people have much larger problems. I'm just a whiny fifteen year old girl who did some stupid stuff and will never stop thinking about it.
I don't want to be ungrateful. I'm sorry.
I feel soooo bad like giving up. I thought briefly about suicide. I also thought, "Hell no." So that's good, but that might change.
Ughhh I'm gonna throw up. It's gonna take forever to sleep tonight. I'm not tired of the nightmares, I'm just tired of waking up.
Not that i wish to be dead. I guess I'm more tired of opening my eyes and becoming aware that my body is in physical pain. Tired of the future that is hurdling WAY TOO FAST at me. I'm too young.
Too young. Apparently not. Everyone else is thinking about it, facing it, smiling at it. Well, shit. Sorry, but I can't even deal with the present day, let alone the future. I can't think about my life in three years. I have to, though.
I have no choice and no idea. Shit, I'm nearly crying. Oh, look, there's the tear. Actually, nah, it decided to save itself for another day.
I'm.. so.... goddamn.... worried. I can't write another word those fucktards (sorry, I'm frustrated and scared) in school assign to me (but I will).
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. I'm surprised I haven't had a panic attack in like a month. I'M NOT READY. PLEASE STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP. STOP.
Goodnight. I swear to god, I'm disappearing. Things feel wrong. I feel sometimes like I don't see the world in the right way. Nothing is beautiful anymore. It's just a stupid distraction from things I should be focusing on, but I'm not. I can't. I can't make myself.
I'm supposed to be my friend and I'm dying, so it seems like the only thing I can do is try and... I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. I'M NOT OKAY.
No pills will fix this, I'm just... no. I'm done. I've cried three, almost four, times today. I just want the thoughts to stop.
I just really want them to stop.