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Hey, I'm Sad
"Open Water" by blessthefall
[This would be a great song for the intense death scenes in the Chaos Walking book series. I made my sister and my mom read it and now they both wanna read the second one which MAKES ME REALLY HAPPY. I am in love with book characters so this just...yeah.]
If your love is just a dream, don't wake me up
It's hard enough to face the world alone
You are the one I waited for, I knew it all along
[Not the most profound lyrics but the song to me sounds emotional and I really loved that]
"The Book of Love" by Peter Gabriel [I love this song]
The book of love is long and boring and no one can lift the damn thing.
It's full of chance and facts and figures. And instructions for dancing.
The book of love has music in it. In fact, that's where music comes from.
Some of it's just transcendental. Some of it's just really dumb.
July 31, 2014 Thursday 1:28 AM
Enter the month of august in less than twenty-three hours. Shit.
I like that this song reminds me of hours I spent staring out the train window. That's mostly what I did. I saw beautiful sunsets and one night, I woke up and witnessed an AMAZING lightning storm. The entire sky was one large, shapely cloud. There was so much lightning, the world was kinda like a stop-motion movie. The storm was so large that it scared me. I got paranoid and thought the train was gonna be derailed and I'd die. I kept remembering this special on National Geographic (quick background concerning my childhood: I seldom watched kid's shows. I spent most of my time watching things on National Geographic about science, but mostly history. More on that later) in which a train derailed and part of the metal shoved through passenger seats and impaled them. I kept thinking that was gonna happen to me.
("I'm at the edge of the world. Where do I go from here? Do I disappear?")
Bring Me The Horizon is stuck in my head and melting my brain or maybe I'm just tired.
I'm also sad. Empty. You know what else is sad? I feel that it's easiest to do art and write when I feel like this.
I hate life. I am so stressed and anxious, I feel like I'm drowning.
("Time stood still, the way it did before. It's like I'm sleepwalking. I fell into another hole, oh god, it's like I'm sleepwalking.")
MY CAT IS DECIDING TO RELAX RIGHT WHERE THE COMPUTER MOUSE IS. PLEASE, KEEKO, SIT IN MY LAP AND TRY NOT TO TANGLE YOUR TAIL IN MY HEADPHONES.
She's so fluffy and soft. I love her.
I wish I loved me.
I left the house yesterday. My wonderful, perfect friends (Lily and Laney) dragged me out of the house to walk around the cemetery with Lily's cousins. I was about to say Lily's guy cousin was kinda cute but something kinda just broke inside me and now I don't think I can. He was cute. But it was always in a faraway type of way, you know? A distant observation. It doesn't matter how physically far away I was from him, there is always lots of distance.
With everyone I talk to. I am so far away. I have shut down.
I can't live like this. I can't stop WORKING as a person. I can't be taken over by emotions like this. I stop functioning and I lose things. I feel alone.
Really alone. Really, really alone. But I'd be really angry if someone took pity on me. IT'S MY FAULT I'M ALONE SO DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME. Please, don't. Hopefully I think people have more compassion than they really do.
I feel cynical.
I feel in general. I just... feel. Numbness faded.
I'm thinking of my childhood. It reminds me of this quote:
"I had conversations with the clouds, the dogs, the dead. They thought me broken, that my tongue was cut in lead, but I just couldn't make my words make sense to them. If you only listen with your ears, I can't get in. I spent my evenings pulling stars out of the sky and I'd arrange them on the lawn where I would lie. In the wind, I'd taste the dreams of different lives and I would dress myself up in them through the night
while my folks would sleep in separate beds... and wonder why."
-The Mute by Radical Face
I was kinda like this as a kid. DEFINITELY not a mute child, but I talked to everything. I made up stories and songs in my head. I wondered so much. I guess all kids do that. I'm finally feeling like that led up to who I am now, though.
I used to get frustrated because... it was hard for me to understand how I ended up the way I did. I was a happy, social kid, so i thought.
In reality, I was always this way. I was always deeply, deeply sensitive. I always loved art and history and writing/reading. I didn't used to get sad, but I remember when I became aware that I existed. You know how there is always that year that you remember finally knowing things? Like.. when you're two, you're a person but you don't know that yet. You're just there. Existing. Not knowing why and not really questioning it.
I don't think I'm explaining it right.
I will leave now. I am really, really sad and I wish I had someone to hold my hand. I won't pretend that my lack of support (again, my fault) doesn't make me upset.
I am so sad. I am not depressed. But this is really deep sadness. Good thing I'm tired, too. I've been writing for half an hour.
Okay.... goodnight, world. I'm thinking about cutting (nonononono). It's tempting (please no). I'm tired, though (oh thank god).
I never know how to end these entries. Someone out there.... whoever is reading. Please read Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. He was very clear about how his book would end and begin. I sure liked that.
(I'M TRYING TO PRESS SAVE ENTRY AND MY CAT'S FAT HAS ENCOMPASSED THE MOUSE. SHIT. SHE THINKS I'M PETTING HER BUT REALLY I'M TRYING TO POST THIS. OKAY GOODNIGHT.)
-I got payed six dollars to bake box cake so that's cool
- I love my friends.
- I went to that co-counseling thing today and it made me feel better
- my cat is soft
- the world is a beautiful place
- I think a lot
ADDED 12 HOURS LATER:
OH MY GOD. I came back and read this and instead of writing "shapely butt" when describing the lightning storm, I wrote "one large shapely butt". WOW WELL NOW I KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT HAHA. Okay bye.
TWO MINUTES AFTER THE ABOVE COMMENT:
I think Ethan found my account and changed some words to butt. Leave me alone, Ethan, please. This writing is embarrassing so go away. Or Caroline. Whoever did it, just, c'mon.
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