Rach

Peacelovenaomily
2014-07-28 10:47:39 (UTC)

idk what to do

God it's been a while, a long while.

I think that's cause for a good while there wasn't really much of importance to write about but now I realize it was probably more just that it hadn't surfaced and suddenly I feel like there's so much.

The past few days I've felt quite happy and relaxed, almost like I'm high or something, everything has seemed okay, like I haven't got emotional and it's as though my mind is all clouded so that it's protecting itself or something. This probably sounds stupid but that's just how I feel. Only... I'm terrified that behind that everything is gonna build up and one day I'm gonna crash down.

So the main thing on my mind is Jaz. Ugh idk, I have so many mixed emotions. Like fuck. She wants to die, she wants to kill herself and I'm supposed to be okay with that? But I mean that's the problem, I'm like a billion miles away, what can I really /do/? I feel like anytime I try and help I only make it worse. And I suddenly kind of understand why Jessica did what she did, it's hard, sometimes it's almost too much, but I'm not gonna be a dick about it.

I wish I could help. I wish she could just talk to me. I wish I didn't make everything worse and always just try to apologize and God, I..I can't even imagine what.. Nope. I can't even think about it, Jesus ><
Maybe I should try to be more understanding cause I've been through it all, been there, done that, didn't really think much about others at the time cause all I wanted to do was leave this god damn world. It's hard though. Every day that passes it's harder and harder to imagine a world without her. I'm so attached and it's so scary. After Alice and Michael and Jessica and Catherine. It's terrifying.

Ugh there was other stuff I wanted to talk about but I can't even think straight anymore




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