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2014-07-18 02:31:19 (UTC)

How to NOT fall in love with him/her

Dear future self (or anyone reading this) I shall now construct a set of rules guaranteed to keep you from falling in love (If, dear self and reader, these fail to work, feel free to listen to another tragic love song)

Number 1: Imagine them in the worst condition possible. Hmm, red underwear with yellow smileys? Ooo and belly hair that twists and turns to form a frown. Yep, hair frown. You wouldn't want your crush having hair frowns all over their body, would you?

Number 2: If you still find your crush attractive after applying rule number 1, I suggest you check in with your doctor. Kidding, kidding.
Avoid thinking of them at all costs! Climb on top of the bed and jump, curl in a ball with your feet flexed towards your face and talk to them. Yes, converse with your feet. Do it. Count your toes, count sheep, count the amount of times you've thought of studying and then procrastinated. Simply put, distract yourself.

Number 3: Remember that they are NOT your whole life. Of course a crush is exciting, but it's not all the excitement of your life. You, your life, it is all so much beyond these little infatuations, or maybe they are long term affections. Whichever case, you lived without them and you can now. He/she is not your life therefore, you are not bound to them by magical connections of energy. You want energy? Do jumping jacks, right now. Blast some good music.

Number 4: Do not look in their eyes. Just do not. I suggest looking at the floor or running the opposite direction like a horse. Around your crush, scream 'BABIES POOP CUTELY' and let them slowly brand you as crazy. That way, they might stay away from you which ultimately means, you'll stay away from them. Other good lines can be

* 'I like biting my curtains!' Best works with your hair in two ponytails (even for men)

* 'My toilet talks to me about the universe' Recommended with jazz music in the background

And, of course the classic, take your hand and constantly slap yourself while profoundly screaming 'why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourse-' Make sure your crush absolutely sees you doing this.

Best of luck, future self and readers!

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