The Real Me
Taken advantage of when drunk.
2 days ago I went out with work people...I felt really lonley and wanted to be around people. Due to the fact that i havnt been drinking alot for the past few months, well I got pretty drunk very fast this time round. Its weird because I only had 3 glasses of wine spritzers so thats wine mixed with lemonade, now normally I could have about 6 glasses before I even feel drunk. Anyway I dont remember anything, I dont remember how I got home...I didnt get home...I left work people to catch the train around 9pm and I ended up in a bar alone...drunk and alone. I dont know wtf I was doing or who I was hanging around with, but I regained consiousness at around 5am at this point I was in someoned bed. I didnt want to write this out because I am embarassed, ashamed, humiliated and I feel beyond shit, I have anxiety over it now,, My stomach keeps turning and i feel sick to my stomach thinking about it but maybe I should write it down...I havnt told anyone apart from Fo, but he doesnt see the cvrappy side to it, he just thinks im too nunish and virginfied. I dont give a fuck, If i told anyone else it would make it real and I know it will be/is my fault for getting that drunk in the first place. You know what fuck it im not taking blame for this, I dont want to think whos fault it was, i dont even want to blame myself I just wana forget it. I remember awaking and him fingereing me and me trying to push him of but he was too strong. And that spretty much it, when I could get up, I just got my bag and went and kept walking and walking till I found a bustop and some how got home...no idea how...but I made it.
I dont remember if we had sex...I dont think we did, but who knows because I was paraletic drunk. It scares me to think I was that out of control or more so I am that out of control.
This is a memory I want to supress and never remember again beauuse the truth is, I did get taken advantage of because I got too drunk to handle myself.
I will forget this now and never mention it again because it feels too shit. But you know what its not the end of the world...I will never see him again not that I even remember or know what he looks like...but its ok he doesnt exist, this didnt happen. Deny deny deny. Do whatever it takes to get over this.
Ive been looking this up...so if I am too drunk to consent then I was sexually assaulted? argh fuk it I refuse to look that vulnerable I think I would rather take the blame then look like a victim...I wish I could stop thinking about it...
..because end of the day even if I did get drunk and it was stupid of me to be irresponsible and I should have known better, drank less etc etc and to some extent it is my fault/problem...the guy still did take advantage of me....because I was passed out.../ bladcked out/unable to talk. walk move etc. Like its obvious when its assault/rape and when its not.
I wont go as far as to say it was rape...or anything really. All I know is that I need to forget this.. because its not regret I feel, its pure and utter disgust or victimisation even.