Crystal

Hope
2014-07-16 06:38:43 (UTC)

Anorexia Day 1

I've been diagnosed with anorexia nervosa today. My carers are distraught. However I don't believe the doctor. So what I'm thin! So what I don't eat because it's pointless. That doesn't make me anorexic, plus the voice I hear is nice and encouraging...not horrible and threatening.

I'm obviously not thin, and Heidi cried tonight because I refused dinner, Alan bribed me, my brother threatened me and my sister stormed off. The voice congratulates me. °good girl, you're so strong and beautiful, good girl° I've won another meal.

I disappear up to my room and exercise the fat off, then purge until there's blood. Heidi shouts up that it's supper time and I return that I'm not hungry.

Alan ignores this and brings me up a piece of buttered toast. He sits beside me while I scream and thrash around, he holds my hair back when I'm sick into my bin, he strokes my back feeling every bone in my spine, and whispers repeatedly that he loves me and its safe to eat bread.

Heidi comes up and convinces me to eat, I eventually cave in and eat it...all of it! Ana goes nuts in my ear, °you broke the cardinal rule!° I flop backwards onto my bed and begin a monologue, "you're shit, you're fat shit, you're worthless fat shit", Heidi cries openly...I ignore her. I can't stand her, does she not know I can't eat, does she care how much trouble I get into for eating fruit? Never mind carbs!!!!

Yet another meal was won by Ana and I go to bed hungry, my siblings go to bed upset and my carers go to bed feeling like failures.




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