Vanilla

Dark Thoughts.

I always thought I would be destined for this great love. So how the hell did I end up here, single, alone and unable to love. Wth. I mean its got to the point where Im ok with pimping men for money. I never thought I would ever let a man buy my time or buy me in a way and yet here I am contemplating it. Contemplating being an escort...talking to men who want me because I look okay.

...isnt that sad?...And yet what do people expect from me. Ive never had someone appreciate me and the truth is I never will. I know Im kind of weird, I dont think I dont deserve love nor do I think Im a horrible person etc etc nor do I lack esteem, I just cant be loved and I dont feel love.

I got talking to a few men, one is married...he wants to spend time with me, aka be my sugar daddy eww what a ugly sentence/phrase anyway essentially buy me things in return for my company. A part of me feels dirty and a part of me feels like why not? why the hell not? no one gives a shit, no one cares, I might as well use them and no I feel nothing for the wife either.

But essentially here and there I ponder and realize I have felt for the longest time, disgust for women like that up until now where I feel so de attached from everything.

I sort of hate that I have lost so much faith in humanity and in a way I wish I could bring back that hopeless romantic feeling in me. How have I become so different from when I first started and began. I went into life with so much hope and it just left me broken by the end of it, because here I am my life totally unexpected, I didnt expect this at all I thought by now I would be happily engaged and in love, have a great career and just be happy. This is what I envisioned...this is what kept me going in my darkest times, that I would get through life and be someone great, I would be happy and I would be successful and I had so much faith in myself despite everything negative around me despite my depression and my dark thoughts the light at the end of the tunnel was my unquivering self beleif that I will not allow life to swallow me into the darkness I would get out and I would be great.

And now here I am... in the end I am nothing but the person I began with. If there is any sort of dissapointment I feel I cannot express how much this one just tops everything. Soul crushing, heart wrenching disapointment. I am a totally fuking different person. I may be strong but I have no faith left at all in anyone of any thing. I seriously hate people, I even hate my friends, I just dont like anyone anymore.

Speaking of de attached I quit smoking, its been 11 days now. You know whats funny, this isnt that hard, because I keep seeing it as everything else that I have left or deserted in life, I keep applying that de attached feeling to smoking..which I guess is one good thing that has come out of all of this.