Experienced Life
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2014-07-04 07:10:45 (UTC)

Got an email from my kiddo

Well, from the few texts I got from the ex, I think she is headed back to Pahrump Nevada. Good. She did send me texts saying she misses me and shit but I know the routine. Sad that I have to grow strong in being able to handle adversities like the ex. I wish I could put my effort elsewhere and with someone else that would be more productive and more positive. I wish I could instead give to someone to perhaps enhance their life and to make them a bit happier.

Instead, this is what I am. Just being able to cope with meanies. How I wish I could apply my efforts somewhere else... but no, it seems I'm destined to be here alone. Stronger, smarter, and more seasoned than others but still.. in the long run, still alone. :(

I got an email from my son. He isn't all that great in his reading and writing but he did send me an email. All it said was "Hi dad". Yes, it pulls on my heart a bit. I feel bad that I can't fight for them more. I feel terrible that I sort of gave up on them. I just feel I dug down too deep in the well of survival that I got no more. I never got to see or even hear from the kiddos while they were here in Sacramento. Maybe that's a good thing I guess.

Sometimes I just don't know where I'm headed or where I'm going. I just keep going because I have to. The future is still unknown and it's still for me to carve out and make whatever it is I make of it. It's just hard sometimes when I'm alone. I'm still glad that I have a great job, lots of friends, hobbies that keep me busy. It just would be cool sometimes if there was someone at home to ask me how my day was or vice-versa. Instead, it's just peace and quiet. No words exchanged with anyone and I haven't started talking to myself yet. Is this why people get a zillion cats? Is this what makes people nuts and start talking to themselves?

I'm not there yet and I'm strong minded but there doesn't seem to be any letup for me. Something gotta change. I can't be on this freaking hamster wheel going around and around in circles but leading nowhere.

I did get invited to go to a picnic with a smaller group today at Folsom lake. I'm going and I'm going to try to cook ribs. Not the greatest at that. There is another larger picnic on the other side of the lake with my Single parents group but I'm not in the mood for a large crowd for now. Although there is someone that that is sort of taking interest in me. She's my future kayak buddy anyway.

My other group of Single parent friends are going camping at Bear river for the weekend. I'm not going because I have a few makeup matches with my dart league and we're playing a couple matches on Sunday.

That's all for now. Gotta get the food ready. Probably taking my inflatable to the lake. No, not inflatable doll. My inflatable kayak. Still working on getting a hard hull kayak. I think I'll just go for it and buy the 2500 dollar Eddyline Journey. I figure screw it, I may as well just get it.

Later folks :)

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