All that is
I’m going to be twenty five years old tomorrow, and naturally this necessitates some self-reflection.
I’m not psyched about this turning point. In fact I’m feeling pretty bleak about it. It brings with it certain feelings –the climax of the ambivalence I’ve been feeling over the last 3 years. This is the peak. The point at which ACTUAL action must be taken, or else… There’s a new and distinct sense of urgency, unlike that which I’ve felt before. Probably heightened because my mmy&ddy’s constant talk of marriage. Like WTF. Where before I accepted that at some point someone would come along etc. and it would happen, now I’m made to feel as though this is a part of my life that I must take control of as well, and that the absence of a significant other by the age of 27 would be a result of my own personal failure. The same way you would be blamed for failing an exam because you didn’t study. A few years back, I would dismiss that kind of talk as nonsense, with an inward mona-lisa smile and the confidence of knowing that we lived in a modern world. I knew better, and was But now, merely two years later all that talk seems to have encroached on my mind-set slightly, but more and more. Gives true meaning to the saying that if you tell someone they’re ugly or fat or worthless, enough times, no matter how confident/empowered they are, in a moment of weakness or self-doubt, those words are what they’ll cast their minds on.
I should just go traveling and say ‘fuck them all’.
The other sense of urgency is to do with my career path. I’ll say it. I really did think that I’d be in a planning role by now. But alas it’s seeming as though it was not meant to be. Is the universe or god trying to tell me something? I also thought that I’d be living in another country. But tbh, that’s kind of my doing. I haven’t been going at the international applications at full steam – not until I returned from Thailand and was set on a different plane, and viewed the world with a different mind-set. Too much to go into now at 9.30 on a Tuesday morning (while sat at my work desk but…) But now, I’m going at it full steam – staying behind at work and sending emails etc. (as of last week). Now I have to send follow ups. That’s the difficult part – with all the time zones, and all the flipping emails you’re sending it’s hard to keep up, with who you last got in touch with, and when it’s best to get in touch.
Anyway, one of my leads – a recruiter at a good advertising recruitment agency, was set to meet with me this morning at 8am. I turn up (a bit flustered – had to apply my make up on the tube, and wax my eyebrows back into some kind of visible shape, at the gym (didn’t care about the stares of other women – it’s funny how social etiquette goes out the window when pushed for time..)..then legged it out) but I got there at 8am, nonetheless. I waited a few minutes before making my call, feeling slightly more confident at the fact that it now appeared that he was the late one. Hurrah. At 8..05 I give his mobile a call, but got his voicemail. I left a message – Hi, it’s me I wasn’t sure whether we said we’d meet at the café or the station. I’m at the café now, so I’ll walk back to the station so hopefully I’ll see you in a sec…” Got to the station and no one. He said he’d bring his dog, but no man with a dog could be seen anywhere near me. So I walk back to the café. Still no one. It’s 8.17 so I call him. Voicemail. This time I don’t leave a message I just accept that he’s forgotten. FFS, man.
I’ve now sent him an email saying ‘it’s a shame it didn’t quite work out but hopefully we can reschedule…’
But seriously man, the guy forgot??
Ooh, he’s just texted me – mssage says:
I am so sorry. Have had a nightmare and left my phone and pass on the train. Now reunited with them. If possible can you let me know you want to rearrange a time suitable to you. Many thanks and apologies again.
Then another one apologising for misspelling my name… .
Obv I’m a bit annoyed – felt like a mug standing there and waiting. But truly I’m also a bit relieved as it could have very easily been me that was late.