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2014-06-30 15:25:56 (UTC)

The Sun Rose

"Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups

[I'm moving out of my punk phase. Seriously, my music tastes are like seasons. They last a couple months and then blend into other genres. Usually they're the same as usual: indie to punk, but they change a little each time. Like the seasons! Not every season is the same!]

"Light Up The Sky" by Yellowcard

[Punk is not dead to me yet]

Monday June 30, 2014 4:27 PM

My emotional sun rose. As always, first things got worse. I got really depressed and started thinking (not seriously thinking, but I mean, just lazy floating thoughts) about suicide. I kept reminding myself that life is the hard part, and death is easy.

You know how I felt myself turning into a satirical narrator? I discovered a pattern. When I first become sad, I become overwhelmed by all my feelings and all the love I feel. But the longer I am sad, the more bitter I become. The more I enjoy the pain of others, haha.

I purposely was an asshole to my mom and although it may not be healthy, it was fucking fun and it helped. I started to see the whole world in a new light. No more love. No more pain. Just idiocy. No more being on Earth with the rest of world - no, I was above them, watching their ridiculous lives and stupid decisions.

Including my life.

I think I've decided to accept that I'm bipolar. The only outside cause for this depression would be that I'm ready to be in love but I'm not. In my opinion, that's not enough to cause such a deep hole that I fell into.

In less than an hour last night, I went from depressed to completely and utterly happy.

So... bipolar disorder. Two weeks of depression. Now, let's wait to see if I qualify to be something other than bipolar NOS.

I have a feeling my depression is gone. I could be wrong but I highly doubt I am.

As much as I love being in love with the world, there is something so alluring about being a sarcastic asshole.

I forgot to mention people keep telling me to be an actress because I'm so dramatic. Haha, they're not lying. That's actually a reason I love writing so much. In my head, I nact like some things are real when they're not. To get practice, sometimes I act like things make me sad or happy. I don't even know why I do it - it's just fun.

I'm never gonna be an actress. I can't get over being shy. I also have this thing where I pretend to be bad at lying and I also pretend to be bad at other things to protect myself from being judged I guess so I feel like that'd happen if I even tried.

Besides, I also love rock climbing but I almost never do that. Drawing is my strong suit and so is writing. I'll stick with that. It's who I am. I am words that squish together so that from far away, I look like a regular person. I am art.

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