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2014-06-28 22:49:20 (UTC)

How Do I Feel Now?

"Play With Fire" by The Rolling Stones

[I'm not listening to this right now, but I love this song]

Saturday, June 28, 2014 11:49 PM

I'm confused? I woke up from a nightmare (nothing like the smell of fear in the morning) thinking I managed to sleep smoke. Like, I thought I was high. I don't know.

I guess I was okay. I was happy. Then I went to Laney's to watch as she and Lily baked. I realized I'm an INCREDIBLY touchy feely person. I loooove hugs and I love cuddles and snuggles and butts. And also hair. I like hair. Eyes are my favorite, though. I don't care what color they are, though I prefer light (I like green and grey-blue. I remember liking J's eyes because they were blue with a kind of violent yellow around the pupil).

I love people. It's kind of hard wanting to feel someone's warmth and instead throwing my leg over my body pillow, haha. Anyway, as usual, I got that terrible "I don't want to be here, not with you" feeling at Laney's.

Are we even best friends? Did that only last a month? I don't immediately go to text her and I don't trust her to handle me when I'm sad. I text Lily for that. Which sucks for me because I remember getting hurt BECAUSE I HAD TO GO INTRODUCE LILY TO MARINA, LIKE C'MON SELF, WHYYY.

Plus, Laney annoys me when she acts like I'm stupid. I can't ask one fucking question without her getting sassy. It's charming but I wasn't kidding when I told her she was a sassy bitch.

I'm being creepy again. Messaging depressedhispanicdude anonymously. I'm not gonna bother feeling bad about it. For one thing, that takes thinking and I don't want to think. Another thing is, we're never gonna talk. I don't go out of my way to make friends. In fact, I do the opposite. I make a point to actually see everyone I meet as acquaintances, nothing more.

You know why? Because (I notice lately I ask myself questions in my entries a lot. What's up with that?? Fuck, I thought that in my head and didn't even notice it was a question)

Anyway.. haha... because I feel all that pain I thought I let go (ooh, look more pain in my life, surprise surprise). Every friendship I wanted to have, everyone who i thought loved me that didn't (the number there isn't very high, but it's sure as hell higher than the number of people who actually do love me)... it all taught me to separate myself from everyone else. Every bit of feedback I get, I usually ignore because I think of the friendships I tried to have. They failed. We eventually stopped talking. We ran out of things to say.

That's the short reason as to why I don't make friends with people, that anyone I'm friends with is because of the situation or because I was approached. It's a bit sad. Some people try to be my friends and I just.. I feel nothing for them.

I feel numb. That's both a statement about how I feel right now and how I feel about other random people. The ones I do know, I love so much, it hurts. That's why it was so hard for me to get crushes on people.

Yeah, so numb. I am thinking about cutting, as I do routinely whenever the time passes eleven. It's not an addiction, i tell myself, and I believe me. I don't CRAVE IT. Okay, sometimes I do.

I don't like being asked how I feel. I never really know. Fucking doctors, telling me bipolar. I used to be so sure I am. Now, I have no idea??

Where am I going? Where will my thoughts end?

God, I hate this fucking song. Miley Cyrus's music is super repetitive. I wish you could fucking stop, Miley.

I wanna be funny, since I feel really good. Numb, but at the same time, okay. Maybe this is my baseline emotion. Numbness to the point that I question even being numb.

Eh, I'm not funny. This isn't happiness, though. My life feels really pointless. I have no reason to wake up each day, no reason to even sleep. The depression is getting to me. I start wondering what's so bad about being sad. I start not wanting to be happy.


I know I do.

I'll go now. No chance of me ranting about philosophy, Pink Floyd, and things that make me happy. Suddenly, I'm too lazy.

I feel so fat, haha. I just stuffed my face full of pizza and I was still hungry (there was only one piece) but we didn't have any good food so I ate some five guys french fries and several pieces of cheese wrapped in turkey and coca cola. I hate soda, why did I drink it???

Anyway, bye. Fuck all those regrets. I can't feel shit so it doesn't matter, now.

PS: wait WAIT. I WANTED TO MENTION THE GIRL WHO TALKED TO ME YESTERDAY (dunno if she would lemme just call her Ella or her diary username???) AND SHE MADE ME REALLY HAPPY AND FOR A SECOND I WAS LIKE, "Am I gay, 'cause she's awesome and love" (makes no sense? yeah. Im sorry, I can't fix that since I'm not really sure what I was even trying to say?) BUT SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND NICE AND I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH THAT THERE IS NOT A PRETTY ENOUGH WORD FOR HER. THERE SHOULD BE MORE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAT MEAN... I don't know, she's full of wonder. IT'S SO NICE. THERE'S A UNIVERSE IN THERE, IT'S SO PRETTY.

Anyway, let me leave now, before I die from thinking while my bigger conscience (I have more than one conscience, a big one and a small one. I also have a broken down prison in my head that I didn't realize was abandoned until just now) taps her foot impatiently.

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