2014-06-28 01:12:24 (UTC)

Omnis Caro Veniet

The day began with a bit of sunshine and not wanting to wake up. The memories of how the last traffic were racing through my mind on repeat before coming to the sudden realization that driving is easier than it seems. I was happy, I was...I was careful. And I only turned a little bit close to the cars but was still really good turning. I'm just nervous for the test actually.

I know Lego thinks I hate Isaac, and she's almost right. But a part of me can't let go of him, and I'm not willing to show that to anyone. I won't forget the night I kissed him in the rain, and I would definitely do it again. He wants me to be his friend, he wants me to be someone important in his life. I want him to be someone really important in mine, and I don't think it is fair if I tell Lego I've been ignoring him because of the way he's treating her. He's put me in the same situation before, not wanting to talk to someone because they got obsessively clingy or really affectionate. Ironic thing is, Isaac is annoyed by Lego's constant need to be around him. Isaac can't see why he annoys me sometimes, and not because he has a need to be around me; simply put, he annoys me sometimes because of the things he tells Lego ("you don't help my situation/you're clingy") and does the exact same thing to me. Isaac wants ME to listen to his problems. But I want to be with him in a way he finds...disgusting...he won't allow it. I think there's no hope in continuing to pursue it, but I think about the time I kissed him, and I wish I didn't. That's the only thought that rewinds and pulls me back to square one.

I woke up today knowing I was going to have to deal with feelings somehow. And guess what? I did. I spent the afternoon around Logan Square with Genaro. And, well now, he's my boyfriend. I think. It doesn't feel like it, but it's true. There's been a lot of times he has completely fucked me over, however. And I didn't stand for it then. The memory of the concert still makes me tremble in frustration. I remember it being cold, but I remember his actions being colder. I explained this all to him while we were sitting in Sacramento Park, and he laid his head in my lap and wanted to sleep. I played with his hair and studied him. I can't lie, I was aroused. But there's a mild problem with this, this chaos that I'm feeling in my heart.

Recently, I had met a guy named Edgar who said he was attracted to me. He said he supported me and he thought I was cute. I don't know if that's a joke now to him, but anyway he was attracted to me. I noticed him the first day and immediately thought he was adorable. He admitted this when Pyro wanted to try things out, putting me in a crazy situation. Turns out he was like Pyro; he was just curious, and he had a girlfriend! What a fucking asshole thing to do. Why can't people just talk to me with 100% confidence of what their feelings are for me. Even Phil wasn't like this with me...I miss his hug. I miss it so much.

I was sitting at the Logan Square Eagle, drying my forehead every so often to make sure I wasn't randomly approached. Which I was. But from the moment we looked at each other, I felt a flutter in my heart again. Yet, it wasn't the same flutter as when our eyes made first contact. It was a damaged flutter, a kind of withered one that rises to the surface slowly, rather than spontaneously appearing as true love does. It was a flutter from the stomped wings of butterflies, a flutter that endured pain and suffering. I typed more of this on my Facebook. He wanted a kiss, and I did not let him have it. Not until he can prove to me that this isn't just another one of his lonely phases and will not ultimately lead to him choosing some other girl.

It felt so right. I saw other brownies, Ahmed is my friend after all. :) He offered to help me with college, and I said bye to everyone. It also turns out that I have a lot more in common with Suleman than I thought I did. It turns out his mom is in the Navy, ha. Well, so is my brother. Which is crazy. But she's a reserve, my brother is actually in it studying to be a nuke at South Carolina. It feels so weird having him gone, you know? It feels so weird. So empty! I think I've buried the times I came home while the food was cooking and joined up to play Wizard101 with him. Yeah...those were good days. I'll miss that. I miss it. I think Shareef still hates me though. I would understand why, since I did sell him out I guess.

Ramiz, Ahmed, Suleman, Zubair, Ozair, Kashif, Atif, Naod, Samir, Hassan, Rohail, Sufyan, Harris, Aamir, "Ejis," Jesus, Darshan?, Akhtar. That was just about everyone I think.

I fell asleep when I got home. Now comes Pride Fest and Parade tomorrow and Sunday, iA.