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2014-06-27 13:23:14 (UTC)

I'm A Mess

"I'm A Mess" by Ed Sheeran

[His voice is so FUCKING beautiful that I actually get light-headed and start to feel breathless, like I'm actually being lifted up by his voice alone.]

Ooh I'm a mess right now
Inside out
Searching for a sweet surrender
But this is not he end
I can't work it out

Friday June 27, 2014 2: 25 PM

I can't get through a minute of this song without restarting it because it makes me feel so deeply. I love when songs do that. I love when they begin singing me to sleep, when they flow through my veins. I don't know if I'll ever feel as close to a person as I do to music.

Times like these, I wish I continued piano lessons. Lately, I sit down at the piano and play some music. I play hanon over and over again. Hanon is basically a thick book of finger exercises. I'm going to ask if I can go back to lessons, actually. I miss having a purpose, a connection to music. I'm losing it, the way I'm losing the ability to speak spanish, the ability to communicate with the people I love, losing hope.

Occasionally, I play my ukulele. Every time, I begin by tuning it and then playing "Creep" by Radiohead. A simple song with memorable lyrics which I will forever be connected to. I sing sometimes, too. I don't have a bad voice. It's not amazing but I'm good at keeping in tune because I grew up around music.

My dad plays viola almost obsessively and also plays piano, the flute, recorder, and some other instruments. He's a natural. If he weren't a scientist, he would've been a musician. I love him so much. He and my mom, they are my heroes. They are so special.

I actually am a mess right now. My face is unwashed, I'm wearing my glasses, my hair is slightly greasy, I'm wearing the same shirt as yesterday and I feel like shit. I woke up depressed. I expected it to disappear by the time I woke up. My anxiety never goes away, so I'm used to that.

I had a bad dream again. It was the apocalypse and me and Caroline were running for our lives. My dad randomly entered the dream and took away our electronics? That's him in real life, too, haha.

I'm shaking because I had six cups (not mugs, but cups like the measuring cup thingy) of coffee.

I love coffee. It tastes to good and lifts my spirits.

I'm depressed but having one of those moments where that sadness makes me feel so much love, I can barely move.

My daddy just left to go to a church weekend trip. I hope he is okay. Already, even though he probably hasn't even left the driveway yet, I'm imaging all the terrible things that could happen to him.

Like I said, the anxiety never leaves. Not when I sleep, not when I read.

I cried when I woke up. Somewhere along the way, I forgot how to tell my parents when I am sad. I am getting used to them knowing I'm okay and I don't want to disappoint them, but I know it'd make them trust me more and help me feel better if I said something. So yeah, in between reasonless sobs, I told them I was sad.

That's possibly the worst part of depression. It takes things away from you that you never thought you'd miss. It takes away the KNOWING why you feel things that usually have, takes away strength and things you learned how to do.

That's why it's a difficult fight.

You know, I get feedback a lot about my depression. That I am strong and should keep fighting. Yeah, I know. I really do. The weird thing is I got it a lot more a couple months ago. I never said it, but I wasn't depressed. I had my bits of sadness, but I was more than okay.

Now, the depression has returned. I know I can make it through this. Anyway, thanks to all of you, really.

Someone wrote about how "stay strong" is not helpful to the depressed. She was right.

I'm happy and sad again. It's a bad feeling but it triggers appreciation for the world around me.

Everything is so beautiful. Everyone is so beautiful.

The way the light hits a person, it just... people are such wonderful, mysterious creatures. I love thoughts. You can hold an infinite amount of them in your head without them taking up extra space.

Endlessly stunning.

God, all I want to do is hold someone's hand and tell them how unique and wonderful they are. I want to kiss them and lie next to them, just staring.

Everything is so... so nice and so cold and so sad.

I'll be okay.

Too much love and no one to give it to. That's fine. I'll wait. All I want to do is write and draw. I feel creative. I'll go, now. I have to go spill my feelings in the form of a sketch of a person on paper.

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