Friday June 27, 2014 12:02 AM
I wane like the moon. Weakness taps me on the shoulder when the sun sets. Suddenly, in the darkness when the world falls asleep, I realize that this whole time, I've been alone.
I realize this every night and it still hits me hard and fast. This is when I lose hope in myself.
Is it ironic that I hate daytime? That night is where I feel most at home?
Is that because depression used to be my comfort zone? I don't want that. What I want is to enjoy night time with someone else. But enough about that someone else who is in reality no one else.
My bones become hollow and my skin gets cold.
Lily texted me today when she was sad and couldn't stop crying. I think I reacted well to the situation. I didn't let that take me down. I didn't let it make me sad that she was sad because I figured that if it was me who was down, it would kill me to know that my sadness depressed another person.
If she ever read this, even though I'm pretty sure she already knows this, I'm not sad because of that. Not even a bit. Besides, she said she feels better.
Only now, I'm feeling terrible and I don't know how to open up. It hurts a lot and I'm trying really hard not to cry because I don't need to feel any uglier than I always do (am I self-hating? Fuck).
How do I text someone about being sad without being needy, without dominating the conversation???
I never knew how. I used to just talk about it anyway. Now I'm petrified, though. I don't want to mess up my friendships the way I did before.
What do I do, what do I do???
I could do what I always do. I could cut myself. It feels like tonight, though, that'd make me feel worse. It'd magnify the fact that I am very, very alone.
I said goodbye to Laney while we were texting because I'm an idiot and I felt too needy (I even said it) so I just... I just said bye.
I hate myself. No, I don't. Yes, I do. I blame myself for being fucked up and for making things difficult. I even blame myself for being the type of little bitch who blames themselves and others instead of getting up and fixing it.
I blame myself for constantly thinking I'm DIFFERENT and my experiences are unique and special and no one can love me. I don't know. I don't know.
I notice that "I don't know" is the anthem to depression. I'm just so confused and all I can hug is myself and I don't even want to sleep because it seems depressing to wake up tomorrow. Depressing to be alone when I wake up with no plans or goals, just doing the same thing I do every day all by myself.
But this isn't going to solve anything, right? Fuck. Fuck. I hate me, right now. I am breaking instead of bending, stupid. I hate how sadness makes me weak.
I'll stay awake. I'll consider getting high, but in the end, I'll decide against it. In the morning, I'll wake up. I'll have forgotten this feeling and I will wander through the day oblivious of what is to come. Is that hell? Forgetting and then remembering? The same things over and over?
I'll sit in silence by myself, too much of a coward to say anything. I feel like I have to, though. I'm going to try. I'll try talking to Lily, even if it leaves me with a shitty ass feeling. Goodbye.