So Cold, So Sweet
"Still Breathing" by Mayday Parade
I'm hopeless but hoping
My lungs won't fill me now
Monday June 23, 2014 3:23 PM
Tomorrow is the Montemour concert!!!! YES!!!! WOOT. SO EXCITED!!!
Or at least I'm trying to be excited. It's hard, and I know it's tomorrow but I still feel like something will go wrong last second and I'll miss this opportunity.
I'm still a weird mixture of happiness and sadness. I feel... ecstatic, in a way. Alive. I feel like I have so much love inside me and I'm enamored of the world. I love the way flowers are brightly colored and blooming.
I love the way children's stories are so delightfully creepy and seem to be the fuel for my frequent nightmares.
Last night I had one where I was fighting neighbors and my family for life. We were in an endless cornfield and we were all trying to kill each other. There were no allies, no real weapons, just me yelling, "Daddy, please, no!" and using the yoga pants lady from Orange Is The New Black as a human shield from his Aladdin-type sword (thicker at the end and then gradually getting thinner).
I love the sun and the way my sister talks to me.
I love my friends and how they feel.
I love everything.
I love myself and I especially love being IN LOVE with all the ugliness in the world, all the horror, accepting that it's a piece of art. That when everything is put together, an abstract painting will be revealed.
Do you know of those maps meteorologists use? They're a bunch of different types of maps layer one on top of the other. That's how I feel like I see the world. I have different points of views and thoughts and stories and I layer them over the world my eyes see and everything is either more horrifying or all the more gorgeous.
The sadness spawns from the love. I feel like I need one person to love above the rest, someone who loves me back, but I don't have that and instead there is that loneliness that isn't cured by being around my friends and family.
I'm glad I'm hanging out with Laney, today.
"More Than Life" by Whitley
I want this more than life
Anyway, I'm hanging out with Laney today. I still feel the strong urge to be with other human beings. These past couple days I've spent too much time alone and on Netflix re-watching Scrubs.
I spent an hour last night bothering Caroline, Ethan, and their little gay hispanic friend Carlos who is hilarious.
It was entertaining but I felt empty anyway.
It's like having too much love means also not having enough. I don't know. It confuses me.
"Never Let Me Go" by Florence & the Machine
[This is about Virginia Woolf's suicide. I think it was Virginia Woolf, at least. A famous writer who drowned herself... yeah, yeah, it's Woolf.]
Looking up from underneath
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me
As before I went under
And it's over and I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
Oh, slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet
GOOD AFTERNOON, BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE WORLD. I HOPE YOU AREN'T AS EMPTY AND MEANINGLESS AS MYSELF.