All that is
Had one of those horrid awkward moments. As per usual, I have an inappropriate crush at my gym. He’s divine. Fine specimen of a man. We attend the same class, and if my intuition is correct some mutual flirtation has ensued whenever we’ve (small-)talked. So today, I more or less wait for him to leave the changing room whilst drinking some water. But when he doesn’t appear for a couple of minutes and I’m on my second drink, I think whatev’s and decide to leave. But just as I turn to start leaving, I look up and see him striding out of the males changing rooms, in all his manly glory. He sees me, smiles and says ‘bye’. I say it too, except I begin walking up the stairs WITH him. Fucking awkward or what? Then we reach the door and he holds it open for me and we’re now in this weird ‘do we walk and talk’ or ‘do we say bye and walk separately’ space. So I decide ‘walk and talk’ and I say ‘alright? How was your weekend?’ And he mentions something about his brother and Kent and Frisbees. He returns my question and I say it was good but I had to move. And it begins. My pointless, inarticulate blabbing about vague things that I, probably for the best, can no longer recall. We walk and talk, awkwardly – the convo doesn’t flow easily (on my part) seems disjointed and random. Seems like flirtation is only possible in the gym environment – I guess the stylishness and the sexiness of the environment helps. I think I mention having moved house on Sunday, and I managed to share the fact that I was living with a landlord, and then regretted it as soon as it left my mouth, just as I knew I would. He didn’t say much just looked down as we walked, as if he was processing the information. Not sure why I regretted it, but living with a landlord I feel has certain connotations. I haven’t yet decided what these are exactly, but they certainly do not add to one’s attractiveness or help flirty talk situation. The word ‘lodger’ kind of means giving up certain rights doesn’t it?’ Anyway, now because I’m walking to my sandwich shop which happens to be where his office is based, it seems like I’m walking with him for a slightly longer period of time than is necessary. It almost looks like I’m escorting him back to his office, and you can see his face turn from polite smile to puzzled smile. Oh the horror of it! I want to make clear though that I was answering his questions as we walked, and I couldn’t just walk off mid-sentence now, could I? I eventually trailed off and said ‘I’m going here’ pointing to the sandwich place, and he said ‘OK’ then I said ‘See you later’ and he muttered something as he continued on, neck stiff not turning his head to look. Almost in kind of ‘I better not encourage her.’ Like he was finally on to me, type thing.
Now I have to sit at my work desk for the rest of the afternoon, replaying those few minutes over and over and feeling disgusted and mortified at myself.
A few things:
1. The annoying thing is, it seemed like I was waiting for him. I know I was, but I decided to leave. In fact it was obvious that I was waiting for him. And that is creepy. He’s fucking married. So now it’s probably obvious that I fancy him. No it’s blaringly obvious that I fancy him. You could see it on his face – again, if my intuition is sound – his polite, slightly amused/embarrassed knowing smile, his eyes down-cast when speaking as we walk.
2. Recently I haven’t been looking great in day light. No joke. What with all the stress of moving every 8 seconds, trying to transition, and just the frustration at life in general, I’m breaking out like an effing volcano. My pores are larger, skin rougher, and complexion duller – not conducive for that easy-going seduction. So I generally avoid day-time interactions with any crushes.
3. Seriously will I ever cease to put myself in these situations? I’ll avoid going to that class now for a couple of weeks, I think. Won’t talk to the guy, unless he says something first.
4. FOR FUCK SAKE.
5. Even though I desperately want to fuck him, I must remember that very real rules apply. I must remember that attraction skews a person’s perception and intuition (mine included) and I must not forget that my sentiments towards a person especially a married one must not be acted upon unless given VERY clear signals.