2014-06-22 21:53:52 (UTC)


"Space Travel" by Yellowcard

[My favorite song and personally, I think this is the anthem to The Knife Of Never Letting Go.]

She moves like beams of light
Straight through this universe in my head
Where I get peace of mind
I'm free from the stupid things that I said
She's all in my head

Did I get lost while I was gone?
I traveled space for much too long
But there's a planet I have found
And you are far away

Sunday, June 22, 2014 10:57 PM

Hanging out with Lily last night was fun and nerve-racking.
First, I waited until one thirty AM for everyone to finally be asleep. Then, I snuck out the side door. My stupid (they're actually smart but I'm trying to smack talk, okay?) neighbors were out on their front porch, yes, AT ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING, laughing and shit. Of course, I thought, "FUCK."

And then I was hit in the face by a realization.

In all my nightmares, I'm preparing for shit. I'm preparing to be killed, I'm preparing to be found, preparing to fight, preparing to be alone, preparing to watch the inevitable death of everyone I love.

I'M PARANOID. I previously realized that I am paranoid every once in awhile but last night told me I'm actually paranoid AT ALL TIMES.

Like fucking neighbors on the fucking porch talking loudly? Immediately, my mind had a back-up plan as if I'd thought about it a thousand times before. Which of course means that I DID think about it a thousand times before.

The solution was simple. Walk around my house (quietly, since my sister's windows were open), and then walk the opposite direction of my neighbors house. Now, that is also the opposite direction of Lily's house so I made a plan to just round the block and then I'd be back on track. The whole time, I was planning on what to do if I ran into the police.

(Hide my bag in a bush or something because the weed, possibly also hide or just say that I was innocently walking home from a friend's house since my parents were too tired to give me a ride)

My breath was shallow until I finally met Lily halfway. She was on the phone with Nic (Bailey, her "older sister," AKA an amazing high school senior from down south). I briefly spoke with Nic, and I think I'm going to text her when I finish this entry.

So we went back to her house, we both whispered excitedly about our paranoia. We smoked a bit, but then Lily's brother randomly showed up so I had to leave sneakily.

I'm still depressed. I'm EXTREMELY SOCIAL, but depressed. Bleeding crosses my mind pretty often. I have that bored-with-life, empty feeling.

I feel like I'm trying to scream but no words are coming out.

Even when I'm hot, I'm cold.

Was it last week that I was incredibly happy or was that the week before? Or maybe I was just anxious?

I'm none of that, now. Just sad. Just lonely.

And I guess that's all I have to say. Nothing new. I'm planning on going to bed sober tonight. It's actually really depressing waking up in the late afternoon everyday, especially without dreams.

Like time skipped you.

The night before I had a nightmare but I don't remember what it was.

I'm hoping my nightmares don't go away.

Alright, all thoughts have drifted away. I'm going to drift away now, too.

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