LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2014-06-21 23:14:09 (UTC)

Return of the Depression!!!


"The Ize Of The World" by The Strokes

"In The Sun" by Joseph Arthur

[This is a religious song which for some reason I have an issue with. I grew up not believing in god, and unfortunately I related religion with the kind of idiots who kill for "god" or whatever. I'm sorry for that. I know not everyone who believes in god is a religious nut]

I picture you in the sun
Wondering what went wrong

"Save Rock And Roll" by Fall Out Boy

Until your breathing stops
I need more dreams
And less life
And I need that dark
In a little more light


Sunday June 22, 2014 12:15 AM


I did get high last night. It was lonely and sad. Fitting, since this week, it turns out I've been depressed. At least its not the wow-i-hate-everything-about-me depression. No, it's the -there-is-a-lonely-hole-in-me-that-no-one-can-fill kind of depression.

*Sigh* Except for with the self-hating kind of depression, at least I had to power to fix myself.

This apparently isn't simple loneliness. I spend as much time as I can around people. I've been feeling EXTREMELY social this week. Whenever I feel an emotional itch I can't scratch, it's me wanting to go out and meet people and make friends.

So I've been spending time with my friends. They make me happy, but then when I'm alone again, I get so sad.

It's a hole inside me. A hole that sometimes makes me feel empty and emotionless and drained.

I'm getting so cold but blankets won't warm me up. Nah, I need hugs and kisses. It's fucking terrible because wherever I am, whoever I'm with... I always end up thinking to myself, "This is not where I actually wanna be right now. This person is not who I want to be with right now."

No solution.

Because there isn't anyone who can fix this.

That's why lately, more imaginary conversations and nightmares have been popping up.

Both leave me empty.

The imaginary conversation I had today was unrealistic and left me with hope that only made me more sad.

Fuuuuuck. Fuckity mcFuckerson.


REASONS WHY THIS COULD BE HAPPENING (depression):

1. Being off my medication is an adjustment, obviously. Maybe I'm having a bad reaction to real life. Maybe being so-called bipolar and being lowered off my mood stabilizer (I'm already of the anti-depressants) is making me bounce.

2. Getting empty and depressed when school ends is normal for me. I begin to miss the monotony of going to a mildly hellish hole. I miss seeing people daily and having reasons to run in to romantic interests.

3. I might just be a lonely person.

4. Could be the slight increase in recreational drug use. I mean, coming down from the high is a shock to my system.



I'm Veronica and I kind of approve of the above reasons. I think my recent depression is due to one or more of these issues. Actually, I'm more positive that it's all four problems that are eating my insides.

Fuck, I wish my parents would just fucking sleep. I want to go out and meet up with Lily, like we used to do when we were best friends. We made plans to do that tonight. I'm bringing my small stash of lung destroyer/ imbalancer of brain chemistry AKA weeeeed.

I still have this itching feeling that someone I know well is reading this. I don't care if they are. I want to know and at the same time I don't. I realize it's unlikely that they would even (out of the millions of websites out there) stumble upon this site. If they did, they might not even find my diary unless they clicked on the popular diaries section and maybe thought, "Hey, All These Things That I've Done... lets read that."

All these things that I've done (and thought about).

Alright. I'm done. I'm going upstairs to read my almost favorite book (The Knife Of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness. I'm really into fantasy. Speaking of books, I also can't stop thinking about my other favorite books: The Catcher In The Rye, Slaughterhouse-Five, Cat's Cradle, HARRY POTTER, okay I'm done).

I need a little fantasy to get me away from these feelings. I don't want to get away from myself. I like myself a lot. I enjoy who I am. But I need a rest from my feelings.

I really need a rest from these feelings.


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