LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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Ezoic
2014-06-20 22:11:53 (UTC)

Un-Breathtaking


"Sleepwalking" by emmalouge123 (yes, same song as last entry, it's a cover of BMTH)

[MONTEMORE CONCERT IN A FEW DAYS!!! SO EXCITED!!!]

IT IS STILL Friday June 20, 2014 but now it's 11:13 PM

[the following is KIND OF a continuation of the last entry. Actually, it is, but I wander off on a deeper path. Still concerning people, but... I don't know, you'll see]



I felt into another hole, oh god, it's like I'm sleepwalking.

I'm depressed this week. I'm both happy and sad. Everything is gorgeous except for my inner thoughts and feelings. The world is a wonderful place full of love.

You hung out with Lily yesterday.

You had an amazing time (also, sorry I keep switching tenses and point of views.)

You and Lily talked about the universe.

See, that's why when I lost Lily to Marina it hurt so much. No offense meant to my best friend Laney, but I don't think I'll ever have a best friend like Lily. Not ever.

That's a once in a lifetime friendship. We're extremely similar and we complement each other perfectly. She's the one person I will always relate to the most.

I think because she was my first school friend and we grew up doing everything together, our personalities grew together as well. Like two trees and we just molded into one, kind of.

I talked about the universe with her yesterday when we hung out and we have... the most similar thoughts.

We had nearly identical (almost) thoughts and opinions. She actually understood me when I told her about racing thoughts and that point in my thought process where words stop existing.

That made me happier and sadder than anything this week.

I miss her. I miss her so much. I remember how depressing and sad it was losing her as a best friend. Whenever I hang out with her, I remember how endlessly amazing she is and it kind of hurts.

To me, she is the complete person I know. I mean that... Well. I guess I'm trying to explain that when I meet people, first all I see is there appearance. As I talk to them, each thing they say enhances how they look or makes them hideous.

Most of the time, they just become stunningly beautiful.

Even people I've known for several years are incomplete to me. I feel like on a different level, I can sense these unexplored caves in their minds. There are a million things I still don't completely know about them. I will never be able to feel how completely real they are, but the way I get to know them kind of makes them seem four dimensional.

Lily exceeds that. I don't feel like I know all of her but since we're so similar, I know her mind more and... I don't know. Now is where I stop talking.

Now is where I wish that I'd cease to exist.

There is no way I'll ever be able to describe how beautiful each and every human being is to me. Not with every word in every language could I convey how deeply people make me feel.

I think that's why I am an artist-type person. Things like this can only be expressed through art forms. Visuals (including reading).

Breathtaking beauty. Beyond that - beauty that makes me want to stop breathing.


Un-breathtaking?

I'm going to get high, now. I'm depressed and I'm hoping that will help. I sense that my decisions today haven't been super great but I... Don't give a fuck.


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