LustingforNightmares

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2014-06-20 21:21:34 (UTC)

I'm Fucked


"Sleepwalking" by This Wild Life (Cover of the Bring Me The Horizon song, although much less heavy)

"Sleepwalking" by emmalouge123 (youtuber) (yes, it's the same song)

[Sleepwalking is my current favorite song (the original) but this is a close second. I feel this song in every inch of my body]

Your eyes are swallowing me
Mirrors start to whisper
Shadows start to see
My skin's smothering me
Help me find a way to breathe

Time stood still
The way it did before
It's like I'm sleepwalking
Fell into another hole again
It's like I'm sleepwalking

Friday June 20, 2014 10:26 PM


I'm going out of my mind (how many entries have I begun saying in some form, "I'm going crazy"?) I think while I was depressed, I was too self-absorbed to feel like this. Now that I've spent over a year healing, now that my self-esteem is just barely high enough for me to be thinking about love... Everything I missed out on these past three years is rushing towards me.

Stupid girl, stupid girl, I'm stupid, why do I always think I'm stronger than I am? For the same reason I always put myself down. I think I'm special, I think I'm better, I think... I don't know what I think anymore. On my blog, in my description I say I'm "nothing special". I realized today that that is a private joke between myself and I.

I am constantly feeling superior and... and unique. To say I'm "nothing special" is a pure lie that I say for appearances. It's so strange. How can my logical mind KNOW that in reality, I'm NOT special, but I just... I can't stop thinking I am.

I'm fucked. I'm so fucked. I backed myself into a corner.

Yes. Another dark, depressing entry about love. I hate this. I hate me. No, I don't. Sometimes, I think I'm a bit pretty and sometimes I think I'm not very fat. I wish sometimes was forever.

I guess I like people who's names start with J.

I have a crush on Laney's ex. Again. Fuck.

The one I had on J faded, but I still found myself anxiously staring at him today, because there are three things I think are stunning about him:

1) His tan skin tone
2) His blue eyes with bright yellow ringing the pupil
3) The dimples he gets when he smiles.

That crush is gone (I think) but I still kinda feel knocked on my ass when he smiles at me.

(I hate every fiber of my being. I find this crush talk meaningless, but in therapy I'm working on not putting myself down for having normal feelings.)

My stupid current crush grew from being small to hurting me physically. The issue is of course his unavailability and his depression.

That attracts me because I have piles of stuff I still gotta work through. The more I go to therapy, the more I realize that my brain has A FUCKING SHIT TON OF PROBLEMS THAT ARE FUCKING DIFFICULT.

Anyway, yeah, so I keep anonymously messaging him and I really need to stop. For my own sake, not his. I'm glad he's talking through some of his shit and he's interesting but all I hear is

"He's a dick"

"Conceited dick"

"A mother fucking dickhole"

Okay, I'm exaggerating. I occasionally hear he's a dick when the conversation happens to turn towards him which happens often lately, not on my part though.

Anyway, I keep asking him how he is and hearing all this interesting shit but then I feel crappy (so many references to defecation in my entries) because I can't share.

I can't share who I am (that'd be creepy. I'm creepy. Oh god, I must stop) and I can't share my experiences.

SO now, I'm fucked. I'm going to stop. I want to keep sending him messages and to be honest, I don't believe I'm strong enough to even go the rest of the night without convincing myself to ask how he's doing or something.

It wouldn't be so creepy for me to message him if I didn't know him in real life (kind of, we don't talk).

Okay. I've come to a decision. No more messages.

It makes me ache to be touched and to nap with someone I love.

----

In other terrible news... I did some recreational activities yesterday and the day before. Cutting!!

*children cheer in the background*

Yes, kids, that's right! The correct way to deal with overwhelming emotion is to physically harm yourself and distract yourself from the real problem by watching the blood drip down your legs (or arms, depending on your preference)!!!

A child enters the screen. She asks me, "Veronica. How many cuts till the feelings go away?"

I laugh. "Oh, honey."

*children make awww noises*

"The feelings are only temporarily gone! See, just stare at all that blood! Keep cutting because since you feel like a coward emotionally, you might as well be the opposite when it comes to pain!"

I pull down my pants. "Ready to count, kids?"

*more children cheer*

"Alright, let's go."

*voices count with me*

"One... two... three... four.... five... six... seven.... eight.. nine.... ten.. eleven.... twelve... thirteen... fourteen...Are we done yet? No. Fifteen... sixteen.... seventeen!!!"

*"Seventeen!" the children repeat*

Yes. Seventeen cuts over two days. Not good. Not necessarily bad. I had the most beautiful cuts on Wednesday... The blood was dripping down, dark red. Down.. down...

I have an unhealthy obsession with pain.

Alright. Time to be positive with myself. I'll be okay. These things... these things are temporary. This crush? These feelings? They'll fade. You'll find someone who loves you and will be willing to deal with your problems just like you'll be more than willing to deal with theirs. I'm not shaming you for cutting. I realize it felt "good". I'd rather you do that than continue emotionally destroying yourself with those dumb tumblr messages, okay? Just... focus. Focus. Do art. Remember how much you love that?

NEXT ENTRY, CONTINUE....


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