Wednesday June 18, 2014 10:09 PM
I told you; being attracted to sadness is a bad addiction.
Now I'm messaging him anonymously because I'm like a vampire and that goddamn horrific depression is my blood. It is my drug.
A few minutes ago, I said to myself, "Tonight. You are allowed to be depressed TONIGHT and that's it."
Further proof of weakness but I honestly couldn't care less. I sat on the ground and felt joy when I dragged the blade across my skin.
I want my future self to know that I'm not ashamed of tonight. I needed it. Occasionally, blood is the only thing that'll calm me. That's what it's like now. I accept that I did this and even though I know some people wouldn't be okay with this, I don't give a fuck.
It felt good. It hurt, but it felt good. It didn't feel like a mistake.
I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I'm not spiraling. It's a moment of "weakness".
I had to add that I keep having nightmares and bad dreams. Last night, I was on a prison (too much Orange Is The New Black, I guess) and someone kept trying to kill me. It was terrifying.
I remember that as I was running away from a car that was trying to crash into me, I thought, "oh my god, oh my god. I know this is a dream, damn it. Wake up! Wake the fuck up!" I knew it was a dream but I also knew I was doomed because I couldn't stop believing it was real. In my dreams, someone is always trying to kill me or I'm killing someone, or I kill myself (that last dream hasn't happened in awhile, though). I'm not planning on taking my meds tonight.
I already took a third, though. I kinda wanna stay awake. Goodnight, world.
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