SOME OLD ENTRIES
Wednesday June 18, 2014 7:44 PM
I will now post an entry from over a year ago, take from my diary titled Head Above Water and my name was Athena (for my favorite greek goddess, of course). BY THE WAY, when you see --- that's not part of any entry. It's me separating the entries.
THAT'S ME IN THE CORNER
"Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.
Thursday May 9, 2013 9:23 PM
I had something really deep to say two hours ago. I was on my way back from Saratoga, where I'm currently attending the Adolescent Intensive Outpatient Program (AIOP) at the psychiatric hospital I just left, three days a friggin' week.
I was looking at the clouds and they are so fluffy. They were so three-d though, I can't even explain. I'd been trying to think about how I want to volunteer at the humane society, and how after college, I'd like to join the peace corps, but I couldn't think any of this through because I was distracted by the beauty.
Even before my stays at the hospital, I would sometimes get distracted from my mood swings (even my dubbed "crazy moods" which the doctors say was actually, like, hypomania or something) by the sheer beauty of the world.
Not to get all teary-eyed and cheesy, but I mean seriously, look around at this place we are in the process of destroying. It gets less pretty and more industrial every day, because human kind is greedy. I don't count myself out. I am a greedy person, but I am also compassionate and I care about the Earth.
I care about everyone. I'm one of those people who rarely hates, like, I don't even really hate Adolf Hitler. But I hate random people for stupid things, which is a fault I have. Mostly, I hate people who destroy this beautiful world or corrupt it.
I actually think Adolf Hitler is really interesting! He applied for Art School twice, but 'cause he was lazy after his abusive father died, he dropped out of school at 16, therefore, he couldn't get into the school he wanted. He sketched his mother's corpse for several hours. He was a landscape artist. He fought in world war one, and was blinded by mustard gas, which I suspect messed with his brain and made him a tad more crazy than he was.
Then he got all paranoid, and began to blame everything bad on the Jews. You all know what happens next.
Oh! Wow. This was supposed to be an entry about me. Hello, there. I'm shy and reserved, a seething anger type, I'm fourteen and I do a lot of research regarding mental illnesses and history.
I was diagnosed with GAD and Bipolar Disorder, but I don't think I'm bipolar. Then again, I was diagnosed Bipolar NOS so... Okay. I don't know. No one really explained the diagnosis to me. I had rapid mood swings but I don't think they were hypomanic and depressive. It was more like I changed with my moods. When I got happy, I became a social butterfly who laughed a lot and was fun and cool. When I was depressed, I was moody and I wouldn't do anything of significance.
I changed between these identities several times a day, so very quickly. It was tiring to always settle back into depression. I got sad because my moods couldn't stay still.
Is that bipolar?
COMMENTS BY CURRENT ME:
I've always had conflicted thoughts when it came to bipolar. Like, I don't know if right now I agree with what I said last May: "I changed between these identities several times a day"
It's too late for me to disagree, though, because it was too long ago for me to really remember. Now, I just have to trust my past self. I do agree with myself when i said I changed with my moods, but who doesn't?
Another entry. Feel free to check out the diary from which I took these entries. It's public and its on this site. All my diaries are public and on this site. I guess I don't like feeling like no one will ever read what I write. Anyhoo....
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
"Can You Feel My Heart?" by Bring Me The Horizon
[Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you did. I try to make these as short as possible, because I like my stuff being read, but with so much to say, there's only so much I can do.]
Friday May 24, 2013 8:47 PM
I'm very happy right now!!! It's so wierd because earlier... I don't remember how I felt, actually. But the past few days my anxiety has been horrible, I almost cried in school on Monday, and my self-esteem is this huge barrier that I can't scale.
I don't know when I got happy. I think a few hours ago when I was okay with my appearance. And then I became elated just a few minutes ago.
It's a nice change from how I've felt this week.
I guess I should start with Alexis. I must've been wrong. It genuinely seemed like she didn't know I was angry that she told Madison and Lauren about where I was or how I got there. I still don't get how she thought it would be okay, without even asking me... And why she wouldn't tell Gwen, for godsake. But I feel so guilty. I've been thinking this whole time that she was a liar. I think she's actually mad at me, now. Because when texting her, she had an outburst that was something like:
"Oh right because I'm a liar! Liar liar liar! I'm a horrible friend and you can't believe anything I say!!! Liar liar liar!!!"
How does this always happen? Whenever I am upset with someone, it always ends badly for me, but not them. Over and over again, I get the guilt. And I'm not allowed to be upset for what Alexis did because that might make her suicidal. It makes me frustrated!
And sad, too. How can she feel so badly about herself? She has a boyfriend, and everyday, she's surrounded by friends who think she's beautiful, funny, and smart. You know, I don't know what suffering is, but at least I realize how ignorant I am. I get so spiteful, and that makes me guilty, too. How can I be mad at my friend for feeling suicidal? Fuck me. I'm awful.
All week, I've been cowering within myself and feeling so out of place. In our lunch room, there are three rooms. One with the line for food, one with nine lunch tables, and then a chorus room behind that. There's a lunch table in the chorus room and that's where my friends and I eat. The chorus teache put on music yesterday and everyone was dancing and having fun, but I felt so dead and out of place. I didn't really know anyone but Leah, because everyone else was... Well, I'd either lost touch with them or never known them at all.
It hurts to have only six friends, if I can count all of them as friends. I mean, at least I have them, though. But there were a bunch more people in the room, most all friends of Alexis.
I wish someone would just touch me. Not sexually. A hug or something. Or I wish someone would talk to me about something deep or whatever.
I feel so isolated and lonely.
Even my sister is gone, she went camping. So now I don't have company in her. She's nineteen, so it makes sense that she has other things to do.
God. Is it shallow to wish I was beautiful?
COMMENTS BY CURRENT ME:
I'm not gonna bother to read the above entry. I don't like to think about that time.
Also, one of these entries in Head Above Water is actually an entry where I copy and paste entries from THIS diary. Hah, wow. The entries I re-posted were ones I wrote in this diary on February 5, 2013 and February 18, 2013. Check 'em out if you want. I guess I'd been trying to find evidence of bipolar disorder. But it's so hard to trust me, sometimes. Sometimes I exaggerate and use metaphors when trying to describe a feeling I couldn't otherwise convey. I can't always take what I write literally.
"Young and Beautiful" by Lana Del Rey
"Will you still love me
when I'm no longer
Monday (Memorial Day) May 27, 2013 11:34 AM
I can't be like I was before. I look at the blue sky, and the sun, I wrap my arms around myself and tell me it's going to be okay, because no one else says that. It's okay, though. If anyone cared for me like that, I would hate it. It scares me.
But I don't lie when I say it's going to be okay. It won't be bad. It won't be amazing.
It will be fine. I'll have fun. I have things to look forward too. Just because this weekend was empty and sad does not mean my summer will be so. I won't let that happen.
I'm tired of wanting things I don't deserve. I'm talking about depression, here. I don't want to want any of that, and I don't want to want to cut. I'm okay with being fine. I'm okay with not being happy all the time.
It'd be a lie if I said things aren't better.
It'd be a lie if I said it's gotten easier. I'm not so much struggling to get out of the pit as to stay out of it, now.
I'm feeling so pleasant and meaningless. Like I'm fading from memories and I'm free to be whoever.
I'm free to create someone else in me, like an old friend of mine once did.
But I won't.
What's the point?
COMMENTS BY CURRENT ME:
I am amazed by who I once was and what I sounded like.
I can't figure out how I feel about her, though, because are we really so different?
"Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray
"And suddenly, I become part of the past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and it's
Thursday May 30, 2013 7:34 PM
I arrived home exactly four minutes ago. It has been a good day. A really good day, I rarely have those... At first I was just happy for no reason, and then I had a reason, but that reason made me sad.
I'm glad I'm happy. It makes it easier to socialize, even if I'm awkward as fuck, and I take things lightly. When I'm depressed, I tend to feel more raw and sensitive, so even if someone tells me I have, like, a stain on my shirt, I want to cry. But not today, because I was happy!!!
I haven't been sensitive anyway, because I haven't been depressed... Success!
I had a reason to be happy, and I'll get to that. Today I had AIOP, so I had to leave school early, even though the day was great. In AIOP, I was a bit awkward as usual, but I have a couple friends and everyone else is just so funny and nice.
Today, after dinner, our group was called "Positive Feedback". It's basically where we write our names on a piece of paper, tape our sheets in different places around the room, and then we go around writing positive comments on each others sheets, anonymously.
I was dreading it because no one knows me and I'm not pretty. Plus, often, I'm stuck in my own little world and can't even see what's in front of me.
I loved doing it, though. It was so much fun and I got the chance to say things that I had to keep in!
This kid, I'll call him Brad (even though I hate that name), yelled across the room to me that he confused me with a girl named Vicky and wrote her compliment on my sheet and vice versa.
I was like, okay, thats fine. He told me which comment was meant for her, but didn't tell me which was meant for me.
I'm hoping it was the one about being pretty and having good taste in authors, since Vicky never brings books and I brought in Kurt Vonnegut last week, and this week, J.D. Salinger (I'm rereading Catcher in the Rye).
The comment about the authors also said "I think me and you are very alike in many ways".
That's true. We are. I've noticed. God, I always like the blondes, eh? Nah, I don't have a crush on him. He's cute, yeah, but no because
1) he's too old
2) really tall
4) and I'm not
even though a lot of people said I was pretty, I think they just said it for everyone. Although they might be like me, because I actually see everyone as so beautiful.
People come and go and that's what made me so sad... I got all these positive comments and I don't even get to thank the people :P
I didn't even get to know them too well, and I leave AIOP on Monday.... I'll never see them again. And my rasta cup friend went missing from AIOP weeks ago! I texted her, but I think she's back in inpatient. We were in there together, too.
Oh, god. I'll never see them again.
I'll remember them, though....
how could I not?
But brook where did you go?
COMMENTS BY CURRENT ME:
These entries will REALLY give you insight on what I was like immediately after I left inpatient. For several weeks, I had to attend an outpatient thing. Most of these entries mention it as AIOP. This is kind of what hospital life was like. The next entry is the last one for today. Tomorrow, I'll post some from my other diaries.
Saturday July 27, 2013 11:28 PM
Here in the darkness I know myself...
In the daylight I feel flat and I wish for that feeling again, the fear, the whispers. My eyes are dull and the monster in me is asleep. It has eaten everything inside me so that I am only her. Only her.
I still have big conscious in my wonderfully crowded brain. She says stuff, reprimands me, tells me what needs to be true.
But as always, the little ones rule. They get stuck in my mind and I say words over and over again, I feel things momentarily, I wish for the forbidden and I know, I know, I know be careful what you wish for but it's like I don't even control my desires, they ran away they want to rule.
The scariest part is they sneak in, poison me slowly, and in a few months I'll find out that without me really ever knowing, I have been building up to get my wish, ruthlessly.
Is this possible? Did I want this?
Because when it's late at night and they whispered to me my heart was dropped into a bucket of ice and I never wanted to feel like that ever again. Never never never but I knew... i knew part of me would shove me back down..
I can't win. I can't break free. It was scary. I heard them, and when I covered my ears, the girl laughed and it wasn't real, I know it wasn't, but it sounded real...
It sounded real. A dogs jaws on my hands...
I can't stop thinking about it
I can't control this any more
I don't know what to think to do to......
I've been doing good, they say. I now have less appointments because I've been doing sooo so good.
I really have. But what is this? This isn't depression. This is fear. This isn't anything I've experienced before, really.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me. What am I?
It hurts to know that I will never know the answers to my questions.
Only time will tell. I am freezing. I can't do this. I can't be a normal functioning person. I can't hold a conversation.
It's so hard but i have to keep going I really have no say in the matter. I can't do what I want...
Usually I comfort myself but I'm too cold to do this.
What a beautiful word.
What a terrible thought.
COMMENTS BY CURRENT ME:
This entry was written before I knew my pills were causing the voices.