Thoughts and stuff
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2014-06-16 23:59:51 (UTC)

Avoiding facebook..

Yay, first entry! Just discovered this site randomly deciding to search for "public diary" to see if it was actually a thing. Didn't expect to find a site like this but I'm happy I did. I feel a bit weird for wanting to read other peoples diaries.. Well, so I found this site and decided after reading a bit that I wanted to start my own diary, so here I am, writing.

Anyways, I've been too scared to go on facebook lately. Haven't been on for almost a week. I know a certain person has probably sent me an angry message. I really want to avoid talking to him. I'm 99.99% sure there's a message from him waiting for me and I don't want more drama :/ It's too late now though. I'm sure he already thinks I'm the worst person ever. I feel really guilty and I don't know how long I can avoid logging back on, I can't just ignore it forever. Maybe just a few more days.

Now that I'm thinking about how it all happened, I think I might have been ruining our "friendship" subconsciously. I just felt really weird and uncomfortable when he was being so nice. It was even more uncomfortable when he joked about having a crush on me on april 1st. I read somewhere that it's a good day to tell someone that they have a crush on them cause they can retract it if the other person doesn't feel the same way. I also don't like how he compliments a bit too much. Telling him to stop complimenting me would just be weird, but I wish I could just do that.

I guess I'm happy if this whole thing ends now, but at the same time, I dont want to feel guilt over treating him like that, but I'm just too socially awkward to handle the situation in a proper way. I really don't know how to tell a person that I feel uncomfortable when he calls me nicknames that, in my opinion, is nicknames for people who have a thing together, couple-ish nicknames. And I mean, the I miss you's wouldn't be so weird to me if we actually knew each other better. Still, none of this is an excuse to treat him the way I did. But it happened and now I feel like crap.

Sometimes I wonder if deep down I'm really a bad person. But then again, if I really was I wouldn't feel regret and guilt when I did bad things. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that to feel better about being this way, cause maybe the way you feel about what you do isn't as important as what you actually do. Well, I'll stop wondering about my definition of a bad peron now and start working out a plan of how I can end the whole situation in a graceful manner instead of avoiding it.

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