blueshiva12

Life as I Know it
2014-06-14 04:43:14 (UTC)

Convictions

This whole time, I've been thinking there's something wrong with me. Ever since things ended with my ex-fiance, I've been in and out of a series of casual sex/dead end relationships with douche bags and younger men. Each time things go south, I step to my mirror, stare at myself and ask those questions that insecure people everywhere ask when things go wrong. What's wrong with me? Why does this always end up happening to me? What could I have done differently?
The truth is that what I want most in this world is to be in a successful, lasting, loving, supportive and happy relationship. I just don't think I can do that right now. Not until I can find happiness, security, and confidence within myself. Could I have done things differently? Yeah. That doesn't mean that I can wave my magic wand and fix the things I did do wrong. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. Also, I realized that lately all I've seen in myself is sex. This might have something to do with the people I've been attracting to myself. There's that age old adage: like attracts like.
The truth is I don't want to settle anymore, and that's exactly what I've been doing. Just taking whatever the guys I'm attracted to are willing to throw my way. Why? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I act bossy or controlling or have an opinion that differs from theirs that I'll lose them, that I'll be alone, that insert douche bag's name here will be the last shot I ever have at finding love and happiness. Why am I afraid of those things? Because of the way things with my ex fiance ended. Was I controlling? Yes, but not in the you can only wear that, I don't want you hanging out with other women kind of way. Because I was opinionated. Because I gave him a choice between drugs or me and he chose drugs. Which has led me to believe that I am inherently flawed on some deeply unfixable level and that no one will ever want to settle down with me ever again. I'm scared to stick to my convictions when it comes to guys that I care about, and it has caused me a lot of pain.

No more. I will be sticking to my convictions regardless of whether I care about someone or not. I matter too much to myself to let people walk on me anymore. I will not be afraid to make a man wait for sex. I will not be afraid to be just friends with a guy. In fact, from this moment on, my life is a boy free zone. I have started myself on a man cleanse. The truth is, I am beginning to believe that love doesn't really exist. Love isn't laid out in the hand of cards I've been dealt in this life. I vow to settle down with myself, and I will stand by that conviction. The truth is, I don't want a man. All they seem to do is hurt you and leave you. I don't need or want that in my life. I'm worth more than that.




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