My Hospital Stay (April 2013)
"The River" by Sam Garrett
Wednesday June 11, 2014 3:44 PM
I thought I should make it clear that I am not looking for a relationship. Why do I feel the need to make it clear?
Fake/vague reason: Just in case.
Real reason: I have this paranoia that people I have crushes on somehow stumble upon
my online diary, feeding on my entries and they get scared of me because of
how insane (I mean this like.. I'm as crazy as any other girl but we all hide it) I
am and then they avoid me. I'm definitely overthinking as to why J didn't walk
home with me today, aren't I?
Anyhow, I wanted to explain this; I don't expect ANYTHING at all from J. Anything. I don't even WANT a relationship ("And that explains your lonely relationship banter... how exactly?"... "Oh, shut up."). I don't want J to like me.
Because all that is one gigantic mess. My whole world is already a mess, which is why my room is currently neat. It makes me feel like I have space to breathe. All these... things like love, friendship, all that is another mess. It's a melting pot of embarrassment, laughter, vulnerability, and whole lot of other shit.
This is why I have issues with guys; when I like someone, I get grossed out because I think of all the future mistakes and embarrassments and problems I'm going to have.
So... No, I don't want him to like me back. All I intend to get from this stupid (sorry, it's one of my worse days) crush is learning how to let people in a bit more.
So hopefully that takes care of my paranoia.
In other news, I've begun to think I'm too special and unique, therefore I'm gonna try to take myself down a notch.
1. Laney also gets grossed out when she is too girly
2. Lots of other people have bipolar to many extremes
3. Lots of people feel alone
4. I'm not the only one with anxiety and with too many questions
5. I'm not the only one who is into art
6. I'm not the only one who is nerdy.
7. Many others think they're smarter than other people
8. I'm sure my fellow human beings think they're crazy when they're not
9. Imaginary conversations can be fun
10. We all get sad
11. You're not better than other people just because they say the mean things you're thinking out loud
Alright that's all I have for now. I'm think about Perks of Being A Wallflower and how he ended with that line about him being happy and sad and not knowing how that is possible because that's how I feel a lot of the time.
The only difference is that the end is not near, not even close.
-Don't apologize for things you MIGHT have done wrong, at least not all the time
RANDOM GOOD NEWS:
My friends don't annoy me anymore! I figured out how to be occasionally mean to them so that I don't quietly stew in my hate for them! So, now we're awesome!
I was gonna talk about my mental hospital time, too, wasn't I? Oh, God... I can't. Not now. I can't bear to dig into that. I'll give you a little, though.
-It's a place with VERY BRIGHTLY painted walls. The rooms are for two people and they're pretty bare. They have lots of rules and activities, one of them being NO PC (no physical contact).
- They get you up pretty fucking early to check your vitals and occasionally take your blood or send you to the psychiatrist.
- The people there... Sorry, I can't. Not now. Maybe not ever. I won't EVER, EVER, EVER share their names and I'll make sure to make their stories as VAGUE as possible but not now.
- No electronics there, barely any contact with the outside world. No iPods, phones, newspapers, nothing. You could borrow radios and there were phone call hours. There were also visitation times.
- There were groups in which we share our names and did therapeutic stuff
- There were aggressive people
- I met some people from my city in there
- There were mealtimes that we HAD to go to
- We got daily scores based on our behavior, tickets for our behavior and participation, and prizes. All that lame stuff.
- I loved/hated it there
- It was a much needed break from real life but soon, it starts to become WAY TOO routine, and I wanted to get out of there. I wanted home, where I could stay up late. Home, where I could see my friends, watch TV. Unfortunately, home wasn't the same when I finally got there, but it returned to normal VERY SLOWLY. It's still transitioning to this day.
- Like I said before... For two weeks, the place is new and okay and safe. But after that, you've overstayed your welcome. They make sure you're well enough to not kill yourself and then push you out. They try to keep you coming back to Outpatient so you don't completely go cold turkey off therapy.
- The nurses could be mean. One of them was rude to me while I was having a panic attack.
- My first roomie was a compulsive liar and she stole my fucking pants
- My next roomie was ADD and we did a wiccan ritual to see spirits
THERE. I PUT A LOT MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD. IT'S NOT A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE BUT BELIEVE ME, I WOULD NOT LIKE TO RETURN. SOMETIMES I CRAVE THE SAFETY OF IT. IN THERE, TIME GOES STILL.
THE HOSPITAL ONLY STOPS WORKING FOR YOU ONCE YOU REALIZE LIFE ON THE OUTSIDE IS STILL HAPPENING WITHOUT YOU. THEN YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET BETTER. TO GET AWAY. TO LEAVE THE HAVEN.
SOMETIMES I WISH I STILL WENT TO OUTPATIENT. I WOULD SHARE A LOT MORE, NOW, AND IT WOULD HELP ME SO MUCH MORE.
Maybe next time, I'll dig out my diary and I'll copy down an entry from when I was in the hospital.
Wanna know a secret? Behind one of my posters in my room, I listed every name of every person I met on my first stay in the hospital. When I left the first time, I left too early.
That's why I didn't last three days in the real world.
PS: Yesterday, I spent one day acting like a normal girl talking about her crush and today I was just... so tired. SO spent from that emotional change. I felt sensitive and I avoided thinking about anything crush-related. So... I have a long way to go, in other words. Whatever. I have to do it, so I will.
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