What Is This Feeling?
"Seen It All Before" by Bring Me The Horizon
I'm drowning in the deja vu
We've seen it all before
I don't wanna do this by myself
I don't wanna live like a broken record
I've heard these lines a thousand times
And I've seen it all before...
June 6, 2014 Friday 10:34 PM
I think I freaked out my parents. Here's the news. They're FINALLY lowering my meds. In a week, I'll be off the Wellbutrin (right now they've lowered me from 300 to 150 mg) and a week after that, I will be going down on my Seroquel. I no longer take lamotrigin.
I think my dad maybe thinks I'm hypomanic. I think that I also... might think that.
I don't want to. I don't belong with the bipolar crowd. I don't relate to the things I read about it. But why am I different? I know I'm different. I know I have a mood disorder. Also I thought I'd mention that I had another nightmare this week and a couple bad dreams.
But back to freaking my parents out.
I came home from Laney's house today. Dad was telling me all about how he almost became a professional musician but instead chose to major in chemistry.
This freaked me out. Suddenly... I felt... Overwhelmed. I can't.. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Okay, that's normal. I have no idea where to go from here, though. I know my talents lie in art... but if anything, compared to the amazing artists out there, I'm below average.
I'm not even that dedicated. To anything. I have baby commitment problems, meaning I know that later in life, these commitment issues are going to come back and bite me in the ass.
The most I do is doodle.... all the time. The other day, Laney said, "Oh my god, how do you focus in school?"
After she looked at my Global Studies notebook and saw a million doodles scribbled in the margins. History is a class I like, and even that I can't completely focus in. Focus worries me. Sometimes I feel ADD, and that is amplified by my sister... Caroline's attention problems are getting progressively worse and she needs help soon.
I know some relatives with supposed ADD. This makes me wonder about me...
I usually hate watching movies because I hate focusing on it. I always replay my music because I feel I didn't focus on it. I'm probably freaking out over nothing once again.
I just never feel like I'm completely committing and giving myself to things. Even things I "work hard" on... I feel like I half-assed them.
I have this feeling... I feel like I feel more than any human on Earth. I feel like I understand so much yet... I don't understand so much more.
I feel superior and inferior all at once.
I feel like the people are me aren't as smart as me. I feel like I'm a heavier thinker and I feel I'm more mature. A little part of me... is even narcissistic.
SIMULTANEOUSLY, I feel inferior because I don't try as hard as everyone else. Or at least I feel like I'm not trying.
I am crying a bit because I'm FREAKING OUT AND I CAN'T STOP.
I don't think you understand. All of this that I wrote? It's an endlessly tiny sliver of what I'm actually thinking. It's not enough. There's no way you could ever understand what I feel right now. I don't think I'm completely unique, no, but how in the world can anyone survive with the universe expanding inside their heads?
This is a blessing and a curse. I feel blinded, I feel like I see too much. I think I'm exploding or maybe imploding.
I'm thinking about my future and ruling out possibilities for careers while also having trouble breathing because at some point, when I think about the universe, I stop being able to describe things in words.
That is my downfall. Words are my everything. Words are my fabric. Words are my skin and my eyes and they are my DNA, my thoughts, my feelings, words are the only way the world can see and begin to understand the things I am experiencing.
When words finally fail me, that is when I will descend into hell. It's one thing to have the words but be unable to arrange them in the way that would perfectly suit you... It's completely another thing for words to collapse in on themselves. It's another thing when there is no word for the thoughts inside, for the phenomena in the world. IDK if I said that right and I could care. Wait... I do care. I don't. I do? I Don't??? I don't know!! I can't know. I just... I'm falling apart.
With no one to fall back on because... Well, I couldn't give anyone a chance, not fully.
I tried freaking out to my parents. It started as worrying about a career but soon....
Time. Time, I hate time. This year has gone by SO FAST yet so incredibly slowly. Everything happens in slow motion but soon it's gone, too soon.
Are things speeding up for me? Are my thoughts racing? Yes. They are. Too fast for me to document. Although, now that I say this, they stop. They're gone. I look and they're gone.
But then they're back again. Here they go. The universe. Quantum physics. Philosophy. Am I an artist? Will I ever be able to be a writer?
All this seems impossible.
It's all slowing down.
I don't want it to slow down. Come back.
If I were to be completely honest with myself... I think I am better than other people. I think I'm more aware. I hate everyone but at the same time, I love them.
Oh god, where am I? Where in my mind have I gone? I think briefly about Alice in Wonderland, which has always freaked me out. No way is it a fairytale. No, it's a freaky, gruesome children's story. Actually, all children's stories are scary and hellish and twisted.
I'm going to go now. I'm going to try and get my thoughts to expand again because suddenly I feel empty and used, like I was possessed and the spirit left me.
What utter crap, though. How dumb, I think to myself, to whole-heartedly believe in ghosts when there is no science, no... no.... experiments, nothing to even begin to try and prove they exist. Like how can you just... think something can be when there isn't any theories that..
I have to stop now. My thoughts are speedy so I understand them in a split second but it takes like five times as much time to actually type it.
So by the time I finish the thought in these words, a million other thoughts have branched from the one and are trying to weed their way in.
I'M GOING TO EXPLODE. I'M.... And isn't it (in a bitter way) funny that I wish someone loved me (not my family) enough to just hug me and not say anything?
Isn't it funny I wish for that but during normal moods, it disgusts me? I want it. I want it. I want it. I keep trying to say something else but all that comes out of me is "I want it."
I have to go, I have to go before I do something...
I feel like I might eventually cut myself tonight because I can't contain these feelings.
Like I said, when I tried talking to my parents I ended up crying and freaking them out. This sucks. Stability means no medication. I likey no medication. UGH FUCK.
fuck. Goodbye. Fuck!!!