Dinoraur.

Reality.
2014-05-31 20:33:31 (UTC)

Fling.

Kali posted a picture of herself on Facebook. Holy Zaros she is beautiful. I desperately want to comment telling her how gorgeous she is, how much I'd give to look that good. I at least want to simply like the picture. Seeing her, it makes me miss her so much. I miss having her. I miss being able to openly be jealous of how great she looks. Now, she's just a jerk I must forget. Someone I must hate. Someone I must envy secretly. She's perfect. I'd do anything to be so perfect.. I've never seen so much perfection in one human being. Well, my boyfriend. But that's different. She's just.. GAH. I wish I could show you the picture. Everything is flawless..
Anyway, I need to forget that. Taylor has talked to me several times this week, and it's so weird. I have so much hate towards her, but at the same time, I have a longing and yearning to want to be her friend. Ughhhh. I freaking hate drama. That's why I always ignore people. I planned to ignore the guy who is now my boyfriend of five months. I planned to ignore the crave I had for him. To forget his existence. I didn't want to be hurt, and with the way I felt for him, I never wanted to act. I knew I'd be hurt. I knew things would go wrong. That I would be shattered. I really liked him, and figured he didn't reciprocate the feeling.
That is the only place I went right letting someone into my life. Though, sometimes I still wish I would have ignored him, for I seem to hurt him all the freaking time. He's such sweet perfection. I just want the best for him. And I'm not that. I'm not the best. There is so much wrong with me that he will just have to deal with. He doesn't deserve to deal. He deserves someone who doesn't do everything wrong. Who doesn't get into petty fights with him. Who is far better than I.. I sometimes wish I did ignore him, for then I'd never hurt him. So I could live my miserable life, and only hurt myself. I could do anything, and the repercussions would only effect me. I wouldn't need to worry about hurting the love of my life. Of hurting the most perfect human alive. Of bringing down someone who deserves the world. Now, don't take this all wrong. I'd so thankful to have my boyfriend. I'd literally give my arm if it meant keeping him. I want him now and forever. He's mine. I love him. All I'm meaning to say is I'm such a screw up. I hurt him when I honestly don't mean to. I never mean to hurt him, but I feel as though I do it all the time. That kills me. I know, how do you hurt someone, and not know it will hurt them before hand, blah blah blah. All the questions similar to that.
Because I'm an idiot. I don't know. I don't know it will hurt him. I do it because I'm use to being in a pit of depression, and doing stupid things. I'm use to not worrying about hurting someone so amazing. I try and be so careful to do the right thing, and to keep him as happy as possible. But, the more I try, the more I fail! None of this is coming out right. I hope you are kind of getting my point. Anyway, I love him. I'm beyond happy to call him mine. To kiss him. To "make cheese" with him. To laugh with him. For everything we do together. I. Love. Him.
He just got his license. Go him!!! I'm so proud of him. He's perfect. Graduated yesterday, license today. Air Force in a few months. He's got it all going right. I wish I could be more sincere to him. I hate that he won't be in school anymore. I hardly want to go back. I keep waiting to have him meet me in the morning. To kiss me, and other things.. To ask me how I am, have me say okay, him say alright, and say he is only alright because I'm only okay. Have us laugh. To meet him between most of the periods. To be at the stairs. The stairs make me about cry every time I see them now. So much has happened there.. That was our spot. For each of us to complain about or classes. To see him come to my locker at the end of the day. To tell him super stupid stories. To have him tell me his stories about the day. To walk down the music hall, holding hands. To get my instrument. For him to take my instrument, and me try to fight, but end up just giving up. To go back to the spot we meet in the morning. To kiss, and other shtuff. Haha. To go outside to the bus platform. To stand at our spot, which depresses me to see. To just kind of hold each other, or have childish "fights", or just talk about random things. Then him to give me a kiss, and run off to his bus. I miss it. I will miss it. For the next three years, I will have to forget that beautiful routine he had me in. I miss him. I miss him so much. I can't handle him leaving for the Air Force. This is really hard for me to deal with. I can't wait for everything to be over with.. I just want to hold him forever. I need to see him soon, or I will lose my mind. I don't know how I'll handle not seeing him for months if I can't even handle a few days. I mean, I guess I'll get into the routine though. I mean, I had a really good long distance relationship with someone. It only fell apart when we lost some communication. That lasted three months, then, I just kind of ended things due to communication problems. I won't end things with my boyfriend though. I'm just not going to be happy with him being gone. With little communication, and little time seeing him. Oh well, right? I need to get that mind set. Oh well.
I'm holding in tears. Both grandparents are down stairs right now. I want to cry. I went upstairs at my great grandma's and cried. I couldn't hold it much longer. I just keep breaking down. Every hour I have a break down. I'm completely falling apart. I can't handle things. I can't do it. But, I will have to. No choice, right? Ugh. I hate crying. I hate all these panic attacks. Maybe tonight I'll let everything out. Maybe if I completely break down, I won't have all these little break downs every hour. I'll give it a try. The only problem is, I may never be able to pull myself back together. I can't do it.. I'm dying. This breakdown I plan to have may send me over the edge. I'll try to pull it together, like I always do. I'll hold everything in like I always do. I'll pretend to be happy. I'll put on the good face. I'll make it all believable.
Hopefully.
Hopefully I can.. I pray to Zaros I can do this. I don't really know what to do with myself. I hate saying this though, because I feel so dependent on him. I'm an extremely independent person. Believe me, I am. I love doing everything myself. I like things my way. I like being alone. I just love him! Think of it this way. You know when you get a toy, say a teddy bear, and you love it sososo much. It's your favorite teddy. Then, it gets dirty. Your guardian takes it to be washed. It'll be back, but you want it now. You don't want it to go away. You don't care to have it washed. It's perfect the way it is now. It may be a little different when it comes back. The fur may feel different. It may look different. It may not play the same way it did. It won't be the familiar bear you know. It's not going to be YOUR teddy bear. You just want it to stay right there with you, and to have your fun. You love it! It sends you in a deep depression. I mean, it's just a toy. You can live without a toy for a little, right? But, all these things go through your mind. What if it comes back, and it isn't how I remember it? What if it isn't the teddy I distinctly remember. The teddy I've always loved. You wait and wait, unsure of the outcome of it's cleaning. You are upset. Sad. What do you do until your toy comes home?!!!?! How do you occupy your time, when that bear was the greatest thing you have. When that bear is what you always look forward to, and it's all that puts a smile on your face. You've put so much trust and love into your toy. Every child acts like their stuffed animal is their best friend. They tell it everything!
I'm losing my best friend. He's going to the cleaners, and I'm not sure when he'll come back, or the condition my teddy bear will be in. Will he be my same, cuddly teddy bear, or will this wash completely change him? Even the slightest change could send me over board. When you find that perfect stuffed animal: eyes centered, fur perfect, stuffed just right. You know what I mean. You all search through the stack of stuffed animals, picking out the "perfect one". The one you want. He's my perfect stuffed animal! I searched through that pile, and picked out the one I want to take home. It's only fair I get to keep him! I got him fair and square. The cleaners has no right to change him, or take him, even if it is for a short bit of time. If I wanted him to go or change, I would ask, right? I found him perfect the way he was. If he weren't, I would have chose a different one from the pile. It's not fair. But, I need to be fair to my teddy bear. He wants to go get washed. He feels like it's a good thing to do. My teddy bear is faithful, and he'll be back to me. He'll come back. He just wants to go for a simple wash.. He's dirty, and needs it. That's all. Why is it such a big deal? My teddy bear has always made me so happy. Why can't I just let him go for a simple wash, to make him happy!? I always start feeling foolish for hating him going, but then I remember everything listed above. Whether he will be the same teddy bear. That, I'm going to miss him. I'll have no idea what to do without my toy. My toy has always been there, and I need that smile. That jolt of happiness.
I hope that made sense. I'm trying my best to explain my mind. I'm really trying to completely open up today. I think I'm doing a good job.
I just hate being so disappointing. I do something for him to complain about every single day, and I'm so tired of hearing about it. I'm soo sick and tired of hearing about my eating. I can hear it already, "If you just ate, I wouldn't have to complain!"
It's not that easy!! I'm not sure what you don't understand about my eating. If you would like me to explain my whole food issue again, please ask. I won't write it here, but if you feel like you need a refresher on why I don't eat and why I hate food, I will explain again. It's not easy for me to "just eat." And having you make a big deal about it just depresses me, sends my stomach into a mess, and makes me less hungry.
I'm tired of hearing everything I do wrong. I do so much wrong, I know.. I don't mean to. I truly don't. I'm sorry. I'm seriously trying to be better. I am. I'm just so use and so comfortable in my old ways. I'm not going to lie and say I don't miss the way I was, because I do. It was soooo much easier than this.
I'm sorry for my depression. I'm not purposely trying this. It's just my feelings. I'm trying to help you understand, and I'm trying to be happier. I am. Every now and then I get the though about how everything IS okay, and there is no reason to be upset. But then I remember all the reasons I have to be upset, and I completely forget about being accepting.
"I just wish she wasn't so bull headed, Sometimes its like she is so determined to be sad, even when things are just fine. I hate it. Then she refuses to talk to me saying she's wrong and its not worth talking about... Zaros how that makes me mad. I hate it."
This was in his last entry. This is just one example of how I upset him. I could easily pull out a hundred from our conversations, and from his entries. If he wouldn't have deleted most of his some time ago, I could home easily have shown you like, thirty examples just there. I'm a screw up. I'm never doing anything right.
Honestly, I think it's just that he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand what I'm thinking, which is my fault. But, he also doesn't understand that sometimes, I just can't/don't want to talk. He doesn't understand everything. I'm trying to get him to understand, but I'm not the only "bull headed" one in his relationship. He's not the easiest person.
I'm trying, hun. I'm really, really trying. I know it seems like I'm not, but I'm fighting unbelievably hard. I just need a stronger sword. My opponent is very equally balanced with me. My opponent is starting to kick my butt. but I won't let them win. I'm fighting back as hard as possible, and I'll win. It just may take a while. I'll fall down in the process many times. Surely. But I'll get back up. I'll get back up for you. I'm fighting ad trying to be everything you want. I'm trying to be happier. Oh goodness do I wish I could just be happier..
I promise you. I'll be good someday. It won't be today, it won't be tomorrow. It could take a year. But someday, I'll be so happy. I'll be good. I'll be everything you could ever ask for. You'll never have to make me eat again. You'll never see me this depressed. It won''t be soon, but it will happen. One day, I'll have you proud of me. Some day, I'll be what you do deserve. I know I make so many mistakes now, and give you so many reasons to leave. I know you've told me multiple times that I ask you to not give up on me, but I hurt you so much that you might as well, and I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you, I've done dumb things, I've mistaken a lot. But please. Please stay. I'll make it worth your time. I'll make you so happy someday. Just don't give up. Even when I give up. Even when I mess up everything. Even when I hurt you.. I know that is a lot a lot to ask of someone. I know it's stupid and horrid and rude to ask so much of someone who deserves absolute perfection, and shouldn't ever have to deal with anything. But please.. I'll make it worth your time. I'll be good one day. I'll be happy. I'll get there. We'll get there, together. I just need you. You're my charm. You're the glue that holds me together. I need you, and I need you to not give up, no matter how much I give up. If you can hold faith in me, then I'll be able to hold faith in myself. I promise you. I'll make everything up to you. All the times I've hurt you. I'll make it all up some way. You are the true love of my life, and without you, I'd be six feet under the ground. I have absolutely no idea why you are with me, why you've stayed five months and counting, why you love me, and why you keep putting up with me, but I thank you. I thank you sosososososoo much. Thank you. Thank you. I love you, TSGS. You make me unbelievably happy. I'll get use to all of this. I'll be alright. Just, gah. I love you. Idunnno why you've stayed, or what you see in me, but I'm glad you see whatever it is. This makes me think of a song. Haha. "You're Beautiful" by ONISION. I mean, Idunno. I'm listening to it now, and It really just seems to fit. Anyway, I love you. Please stay. Please.
Gah. This is soo hard.
I know I could probably say more, and continue ranting. I'm probably missing something really important that I will regret not mentioning later, but I think I should stop for now. I may add more later if I think of anything.. Anyway, I will refrain from ending this one in "Bye".
I love you, handsome. I love you, so much. I'm so beyond proud of you for everything you've accomplished, and everything else you will accomplish. I'm so glad to be with you, and I am happy to be going on this crazy journey with you, regardless of how depressed I truly am right now. I'll be happy someday. I just need to get use to this, you know? I'll end up perfectly fine. I feel it. I feel good coming. Alright? I love you, forever and ever and ever. I feel kind of better right now. I don't feel as horrid.. I mean, you usually talk to me about my entries, so if you talk to me about this one, it'll probably give me reassurance about this kind of good feeling. I think I'll be okay. It could just be that feeling I explained earlier, if you remember, but this feels different. Idunno. I'll get into the routine, and everything will be perfection. I know it. I love you. I love you. I'm so so so so so sorry. I'm so sorry..
I love you. You are my one and only. <3

I hope this was all I needed to say.. I feel like I'm forgetting something.. Idunno.
CYA.


Wait. Wait. ONISION juts posted this: "Sometimes pain can be a blessing, as it is a sign you're still alive. Keep fighting, endure the bad, embrace the good."
I love him.




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