Nadia

wet blanket
2014-05-31 13:56:11 (UTC)

I love Jacob. I really do, i..

I love Jacob. I really do, i didn't know i could get so attached to someone.
I don't know why though but sometimes i just wish he'd treat me like.. a princess. He does but.
just when he hits me as a joke, he doesn't hesitate, doesn't think " this is my girlfriend i shouldn't be so rough" but whenever i ask him he just.. says shit like he thought i liked it rough. but the even more pathetic thing is sometimes i just feel like crying after he hits me. Not because it hurts just because i wish he'd treat me like something delicate. I guess i'm just not delicate. I'm not pretty, pale or skinny. i'm just fat and ugly. and fucking stupid.
I've been crying a bit, even when Jacob went to sleep next to me, i went to sleep crying. I just feel like if i ever confront him about something to do with him he gets upset and goes all quiet and i hate that, i just wish he'd take it maturely and instead try change it. Like i honestly don't feel comfortable going on holiday with his family and him because i know there will be conflict and i'll end up feeling like shit and that i'm the problem and that i want to disappear. I can't say that to him because he'll feel like it's his fault . I just don't really feel like i can deal with that right now. And i feel like shit saying that, that i'm really not strong enough to deal with that. I'm pathetic.
I'm sure he could find someone so much better. In every way, this his mum would like.
I fucking hate who i am.
But at the same time i'm a huge hypocrite because if he picks out a fault of mine i get upset. I just don't know. i get a bit overwhelmed sometimes with everything. I need to study so much next year. 95 ATAR. hhh.
I hate these nights when i feel so lonely and nobody really cares and that i'm just a worthless piece of shit really. I can't talk to anyone i feel too pathetic.
I just wish i wasn't me.


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