LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2014-05-30 14:56:36 (UTC)

I Lost Myself

"Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

[So this kid by my locker was asking another guy carrying a guitar to play Free Bird and from the way the guitar guy answered, the kid had asked him several times previously. It was entertaining plus I'm pretty sure I know the song they were talking about.. Ergo, the song above. ALSO I never mind feedback. The opposite, actually]

"Say You Like Me" by We The Kings

She's the girl who no one ever knows
And I say hi but she's too shy to say hello

[I hate/love this song]


Friday May 30, 2014 4:06 PM

Today's Agenda:

1. I'm tired of my imaginary conversations but I can't make friends

2. I'm happy/sad again.

3. Say hello to one of the newest Roy G Biv captains

4. True love is probably bullshit

BUT WHO CARES, RIGHT? I'M JUST A RANDOM STRANGER. WHAT'S SPECIAL ABOUT ME? THAT'S THE THING. NOTHING.

________


I feel stupid. I feel like shit. My self esteem is so far down, I can't even see it. Why, though? I dunno. I never got an answer, why should you?

My imaginary conversations with people make me sad. I get really into it and then I realize none of it happened and none of it ever WILL happen. There is a slim chance, a very slim chance which, to me, is basically like saying it's not going to happen. Because it's not likely to.

So far today I've had imaginary conversations with Laney and J. The imaginary conversation with Laney was actually an argument because once again she's annoying me. I'm tired of her saying I'm stupid for something that's not actually stupid. She acts like other people should know everything she knows. All I think about that is, "FUCK. YOU. I CAN'T SAY IT ENOUGH. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AS MUCH AS A PERSON CAN FUCK ANOTHER PERSON. OK THAT SOUNDED WEIRD BUT YOU KNEW WHAT I MEANT. SHUT THE FUCK UP, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, LOSE THE SASSY-NESS. SOMETIMES ITS NICE BUT MOST OF THE TIME IT'S JUST REALLY FUCKING INSULTING. STOP BEING A BITCH."

Of course, I will never say this. My conversation (in my head) with J, I don't even want to remember. I would say why but that requires remembering, too.

-------

"Coconut Skins" by Damien Rice

Tell her you're searching for her soul


----------------

I walked home with J again. He lives close to the school, as I said before, and sometimes he just walks past his house and continues walking with me.

I can't for the life of me imagine why. Okay that's a lie.

He probably walks farther with me because he enjoys the company of other people, no matter who they are.

I'm boring, though. Okay, no, I'm not boring. I SEEM boring to people who have just met me. I get a little sad when he walks with me. He's interesting and I like him a lot but... I'm learning more about him everyday when he still doesn't know me.

I always hate how uneven my new friendships feel. It's my fault, probably, definitely. It's because I'm not that great at inserting stuff about myself into conversations, especially with people who talk a lot. That's why it takes me so long to make friends. It shouldn't be so hard since J's easy to talk to but I always have to try hard in any kind of relationship.

-----

"Karma Police" by Radiohead

For a minute there, I lost myself

[This had been my favorite Radiohead song for like a year. Ah, memories. Why do I always discover bands like a decade too late??]

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WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY TO MAKE FRIENDS. I REALLY WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH HIM. UGH. TEEN ANGST.

Ok gotta go, Ethan and Caroline are back so entry ends early.



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