Fragmenteddreams

My story
2014-05-30 07:18:38 (UTC)

I'm fine..

Again and again you ask. The same thing every time I simply say " I'm fine" and you believe it. The fake smile that lays plastered on my lips the happy ball of sunshine you never push. You seem to forget about the past walking in to see me sat on the bathroom floor thighs bloodied by self inflected wounds. you joke about self harm and cutting. You worry about my thin sister but miss tge anger I feel after ever meal. You miss tge times I say I'm fat you laugh it off. You don't see me up at three in the morning sweaty palms running through messy short hair questioning if I am even real!
IM FINE! So clearly fine. You don't see how I push myself to Fucking please you and make you proud. How I am trying to keep myself from the hell I have created for myself. You see me as okay. You see me as your little girl. How I have come to hate the so called soft curves of my body and the breasts that rest on my chest. You dont see tge pain of having the wrong body or being to fat and trying to hide the scars that little my thighs and hips or even the few on my arms. You dint see the words love me or fatty carved in my skin.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I told you I'm fine! You don't see my cries for help. You only push me to further my hate for myself. The look you get in your eyes when I dress up at tge pride you have for your daughter. You don't see the pain in my eyes at the disgust at the thought of my own body. For me to even fathom letting others see between my legs and the breasts that sit on my chest. You don't see the hate. How my own body is the cause of my scars!
You don't see the way I look down at myself. When someone says I'm beautiful I can't help but think your lying. I grew to hate myself. I hate who I am and what I am. Yet I will whisper I'm fine like a Marta or a prayer and pray one day it's true. I dont want to hide in tge darkness that is suffocating me. I want to open up and be free! I want to live where I am not weighed down by pain and guilt.
I want to look in the mirror and not see a fucking fat pig of a being. I want to see the man I should be. I want to see the slim male with messy blond hair. I want to see the boy I am inside. I do not want too keep seeing this fleshy monstrosity I have become. The demons hanging from fingers stained with blood and pain. To know that my hands can do more then draw those thin red lines across my thighs. To actully like who I am!
I'm fine I swear. Nothing is wrong I raise my voice in irration to you. I want you to leave me alone or fucking help me. But you can't you sit on. The phone and talk with others and woody for the Others! Im fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine! No matter how much I say it, it doesnt become the truth. It doesn't become the lie I need it to be.
You all tell me I'm fine! You tell me I'm strong! You tell me I'm beautiful! You tell me I'm thin! You all tell me things you do it to keep me from your worries because it's to much to worry about me with everything else you deal with.
You don't see the lies, or the pain, the scars, the broken mask, the boy. You don't see who I truthfully am. Or the darkness I am sinking in because I need to hide hi
. Or the demons that have their claws in me telling me skip one meal one tiny cut. It won't hurt you... You see the fake the imposter the sham. My hated being that is slowly causing me to loose my mind!
I'm fine I swear I'm Fucking fine. I know it's a lie but then again I'm just a messed up disappointment. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine I swear no lie.




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