"Funeral" by Band Of Horses
[I've probably used this song A LOT but I like it]
Wednesday May 28, 2014 4:06 PM
My emotions are settling down. For some reason, I just remembered (out of nowhere) how a few months ago, I thought my dad had cancer.
I also remember how it had me panicked for two weeks, yet I didn't tell anyone. It's all coming back to me so quickly that I kind of feel like I'm staring up at an avalanche a few seconds before it swallows me.
My dad with (benign) skin cancer, me tossing and turning with that thought in my head, my mom when she had cancer, and how I'm always thinking about cancer. How I have this incredible fear of those I love dying and how the worst nightmares I have always used this against me. That brings me to my latest bad dream.
Pat pointed something out to me last time we met. She said most people have three categories for dreams: good dreams, bad dreams, and nightmares. Here, I only have two... So I've decided to conform.
Nightmares wake me up or determine my mood before the day even begins. Bad dreams simply leave me with bad to terrible feelings, but they don't affect my life so much. I don't even need to elaborate on the good dreams category.
Last night, I had a bad dream. It was close to a nightmare. The zombie apocalypse had happened. Most people I loved were dead. It was me, my sister, and my dad. My sister was slowly dying. I was wheeling her around in a gurney most of the dream. The part that separated it from nightmares was that I was building a really cool building. Not life-size, but it was really cool and I was proud of it. I love making buildings.
I somewhat controlled my dreams, weirdly. I had to kill a zombie but I had no weapons, so I thought to myself as I ran warrior-like towards it, "This is a dream. A dream. This zombie can't actually hurt me."
SO. Let's get back to that turbulent ocean of tar that is my emotions, shall we?
I think my feelings for J have gone away. I'm happy and sad about this. Happy because it feels good to take a rest from the arguing voices in my head and sad because... I guess feeling the way I did is something I will miss.
Even though the majority of the time, it was torture, it still felt like... hope, I guess. I don't really know.
Because my emotions have settled down, today was one of my less awkward days.
I went to school late for the second time this week and managed to threaten to punch someone in the face prior to doing that. Yup.
Since the school year is over, Ethan is back from college and is once again our neighbor. He's now at our house almost everyday (which I won't complain about because I missed him). He walked into our house this morning while I was arguing with my parents. In that joking way of his, he told me that since I was a young one, I should be in school.
I turned around, held up my fist, looked him in the eyes and said, "I will punch you in the face."
As soon as I said it, I knew I'd have to apologize later in the day even though he probably didn't care. I did apologize like ten seconds later when he said he was tired and didn't wanna go to work.
I TALKED TO PEOPLE TODAY, GUYS. I REALLY DID!!! TODAY WAS REALLY GOOD!!!!
LIST OF GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY:
- Bruce, the leader of the club Peer Leader, told me I was in the running for a Roy G Biv captain!!!
-That made me remember how last week, at a Roy G Biv meeting, one of the co-leaders told me that she was gonna recruit me for yearbook next year!!!
- I've decided to do soccer this year!
- I felt okay with myself!
- Laney didn't annoy me at all!!!! Plus the day before yesterday, SHE SAID I WAS HER BEST FRIEND AND I AGREED AND I CAN'T EVEN. Do you know how long I've waited to feel important to someone? Even though I can't exactly feel the change, just KNOWING is enough. AHH!!!
- I'M BACK TO WEIGHING 115 THANK GOD (sometimes I get a little obsessed with my weight)
I walked with J again today and he said I had an attention span of a squirrel. I really do. I hope it doesn't get worse because I really don't want to be treated for ADD on top of GAD and bipolar. No thanks. And also, I wanted to add, my feeling (yes, I mean "feeling" as in one feeling. It makes me feel better when i refer to it as just... one little fuck up) didn't just.. evaporate. He's still kinda cute. I still really enjoy his personality.
I just want to melt into a puddle of sadness and happiness. I want to bleed and laugh and cry.
This is a super weird feeling. I'm cold, which is how I get when I'm sad. Maybe I'm sad because I sound too much like how old I am?? If that made sense. I'm mentioned this 100000 times before, but acting my age always makes me feel immature and gross and stupid and cliche.
This entry is... a shameful thing in my mind but I'll let it go. I'm going to go before the sadness swallows me whole and drowns the happiness part.
I can't even risk sticking a toe into my emotion ocean (emocean???) because that fucking tar will pull me in and I'll settle to the bottom and never be heard of again.
I think today my happiness will win.
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