Oh, Look, I'm On Fire
"Conspiracy" by Paramore
"I don't care if you're contagious" by Pierce the Veil
Can you chase away the darkness?
To live on love and die.
Last night she recited every reason she's fine.
[It's a double song day from two of my favorite bands, you know, right there next to The Shins, a completely different genre]
Thursday May 22, 2014 10:35 PM
So the burning started last night. Remember how I wrote I was happy in a sad way? Yeah, that carried into today, only somewhere along the way, I dropped the happy. I can actually pinpoint the minute I lost the happiness part.
The burning in my stomach was physically painful. I went to bed, getting little shockwaves of mild fire. My emotions were going haywire, meanwhile the logical part of me was slapping her forehead over and fucking over again.
Like, really. Boys affect me this much? What happened to female power? Girl, man up.
I woke up and someone re-lit the fire. I guess it began again while I was talking to Meekah. Haha. That's a joke.
In our "conversations" I don't even speak. I just become a sponge. I let her get every little thing of her chest and, still using the sponge metaphor, most of it goes through the lil holes but I absorb some of it.
I zoned out while she was talking about dating blahblahblah or soandso. Anyway, I guess my zoning kind of re-lit that hearth. Because, of course, I can't go through an hour in my day without eventually stumbling upon the STUPID realization that, yes, my heart/brain likes a guy.
I can't explain how unendingly angry this makes me. Which I guess contributed to the fiery feeling. No, but, I mean I feel so helpless. A guy I BARELY FUCKING KNOW makes me feel like this? Like, what? And my brain still doesn't agree. My brain I guess is mostly me. I'm completely not okay with these feelings. They're going too fast. How did this happen?
And if it gets so much worse, like they say, is it possible to spontaneously combust?
Or maybe it's more realistically to just burst into tears.
I was happy up until 8:23 AM. My friends, they were all having this animated conversation I kept trying to insert myself somewhere in there but it wasn't working out. J was there (I am literally recoiling from myself, from the thought of him, from today just from saying is somewhat code name.) and he was in the conversation. I kind of just sat on the ground and told Sam, "You know that left out feeling where they don't even try to include you that we were talking about yesterday? Yeah, I feel that now."
The burning just got worse. I almost cried about five times between the first period bell and the lunch bell. Oh, and on the way to lunch, I nearly had a panic attack.
My brain was screaming, WHY. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS. WHERE IS A REALISTIC REASON?
It would've been worse if I were not burying myself in my book, a fantasy world well constructed, I must admit.
Lily kinda tried talking to me but I was not having it.
I felt angry towards Laney because, like, she just talked about herself. I needed someone but I didn't know how to reach out, so maybe it was my fault. I didn't say anything, though.
Okay I stopped to make a youtube playlist ("Random Assortment - May 2014" mostly pierce the veil, some ADTR and issues, and some nirvana, IDK)
The burning, right.
So in ninth period it was the worst. I felt better, but I still wanted to cry and my stomach kept sending out shockwaves of pain. I considered telling my mom how terrible I was feeling but then I thought about the questions she'd ask
"Are you anxious?"
And decided not to. I went home with Lily because we had plans to go rock climbing. I am SO glad I soldiered on through the day. Rock climbing with Lily and her dad was amazing.
We rock climbed, as we love to do, obviously. Plus, I got to talk with her dad again. That was nice. It's been a long time since me and Lily have hung out. When we were best friends, I used to talk to her dad all the time.
*moment of silent reflection where I look out the window*
But that was a long time ago.
Talking with Lily and her dad, rock climbing, having dinner, all of that made me feel a million times better. I feel a tinge of burning. It's coming back. By the time I sleep, I'll be crying, I just know it.
At least I don't feel like I did last year. I mean, I remember 2012 Veronica. She was all cut cut cut, cry in the darkness, blah blah blah.
I'm not saying she was stupid, immature, pointless. I accept that I was like that. I accept that my depression was getting worse. I just, if I could, I'd change it all.
Do I still have depression? I'd like to think no. I'd like to think I'm just feeling normal teen feelings, plus a few weird ones (I'm referring to the way I deal with feelings, which sometimes... well I cut myself. So that's not a healthy way to deal!!!).
In conclusion, I wanna say that last night, I cut myself more. I should feel ashamed or disgusted, as my Last Month Self would feel but... Instead, I feel kind of relieved.
Like I've been waiting this whole time to feel my pain physically to remind myself how little it really means. It's just a little cut on my body. It's just a little emotional pain in a day out of a year.
It changes my perspective. Still, the cuts on my wrist I regret because it's hard to find an excuse to wear long sleeves when it's seventy degrees out.
Goodbye. I'm a go on minecraft, maybe continue building my Camp Half-blood (Percy Jackson/ Greek Mythology reference, yo) replica or a castle.
Thank you, my diary. You've once again helped me to organize my thoughts in a way I never could've by myself.
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