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Happy In A Sad Way
"Satellite Heart" by Anya Marina
So pretty, so smart.
Such a waste of a young heart.
What a pity, what a sham
What's the matter with you, man?
Wednesday May 21, 2014 7:15 PM
I should be happy. I got many compliments today. A couple people said I was pretty, one guy said I looked like Miranda Cosgrove, a couple people said they admired my (admittedly grungy) style, and one guy asked me out.
I keep telling myself he was joking, but he asked me out himself next to his friend who wasn't listening. He asked why I declined and I simply replied I didn't even know him
Even though all those wonderful people made me feel prettier, I still had an all-around sucky feeling.
Me and Sam hung out and it was really great. My annoyance with Aaron is nearly gone, but now I'm more annoyed with Laney.
I had the sad thought that maybe Lily doesn't annoy me because I don't know her enough. I'd rather be irritated at a friend I know and love than to feel like a friend is amazing without even really knowing their life anymore.
I forced myself not to think about J (*shamed sigh* the guy who ignited feelings in me) and how he's an interesting person. I'm still annoyed at myself for writing most of an entry about him. It's not like I like him that much. It's just, liking anyone makes me question who I am.
When Sam and I walked home, we talked about deep stuff. Like sadness and how we were bad at showing our feelings. We also smoked some at the cemetery by the rushing creek. Don't worry, though, the serious talk was before the weed (we secretly call it gummies. its our code name for it).
I don't regret occasionally getting high. I really don't.
I can't wait to hang out with Lily tomorrow and then Sam for most of the weekend. Also, on Friday I get to hang out with Sam's friend group!
And I get to go camping with them!
I'm happy I have different friend groups.
So I went to Pat's office and we talked, me acting very ADD 'cause I was still a little high.
After I was done, I waited to be picked up for like a half hour. I thought for a long time and thought about how I wasn't as fat as I thought I was and how I wasn't as ugly, either.
Then I felt really lonely and happy in a sad way. Like the sadness was down to the core of me. I could physically feel the sorrow in me. But at the same time, I was happy. Usually those feelings are only ignited by intensely beautiful nature, like the desert.
Or the redwoods in California.
I almost cried a million times thinking to myself the lyrics from that one The Wombats song ("1996 - the wombats")... "I need a lover, not a friend tonight."
I needed someone who would hug and kiss me. Not a friend. I needed love. I still need it. I feel the need in every inch of my body. I'm shaking.
I'm not hungry (that is NOT like me). I just need someone. Someone to sit with in comfortable silence and to talk with for hours until eventually I'm too tired.
I feel like that is an equivalent to the way I need oxygen. I feel a bit dead without it.
I wanna laugh and cry, simultaneously. Every song is beautiful to me.
I can't bear this anymore. I'm gonna take my pill and hope it knocks me out early so I don't have to think anymore.
It's not thinking, actually. It's KNOWING. Knowing what I need and knowing it's out of my reach.
I wished over and over that he would walk through the door. I once again used the faceless/nameless boy in my daydreams to substitute anything to close to reality.
I didn't feel like thinking about J, 'cause as usual I was scared.
So fucking lonely.
Worst part is I'm happy-ish too.
So I won't cut. Not like I did Sunday.
No... I'll just agonize. Tomorrow is too far away.