My Heart Is Not A Machine
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2014-05-20 22:26:06 (UTC)

It's a beautiful day

March 20th, 2014 - 11:26PM
Currently Listening To: Nothing

Today was very nice out, despite the ugliness that's currently taking over the house. I went to the Hampton's today with Z and his mom. It was the perfect day to drive out too! We visited his mom's property that she wants to build on, along with the horse barn she rides at, the beach, and East Hampton village. Such a lovely day spent with my favorite people.

Yesterday I saw Godzilla with Z. Godzilla did no exceed expectations unfortunately, but it wasn't bad. They definitely didn't show enough Godzilla, there were too many conversation scenes. I typically hate movies where it's all action but Godzilla practically had nothing! I enjoyed seeing it though, it was my first IMAX movie experience.

Before Z and I saw Godzilla it was decided I would spend the night at his house because his mom was taking us out east the next day (today). I called my mom after the movie to tell her I was staying. I already discussed the topic with dad and he said I should "do what's right," so I decided it made sense to stay rather than drive back and forth only to have to back there again in the morning.

Makes sense right?

But no. Of course it turned into a HUGE issue. I feel like I'm crazy for wanting this and seeing how my dad reacts is completely nuts. Am I crazy though? Is it really so crazy to want to do these things? I don't think so.

My dad didn't get mad at me though, he takes it out on my mom, which is even worse. I refuse to speak to him because of how he reacted. He basically throws tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way. If I don't get something my way I like to discuss it calmly, my dad cannot even do that. ANYWAY, WE TALKED ABOUT IT ALREADY AND HE SAID I COULD DO WHAT I WANT SO WHY IS HE GETTING MAD. My god, it's like working with a five year old. Maybe if he got me some sort of vehicle he wouldn't have these problems, but that is not the case. Staying the night at Z's is simply a matter of convenience, and that's that.

In the meantime I'm frantically looking for part time work. I don't have the time to sit around and write meaningless cover letters for jobs and internships if I'm not doing something on the side. I NEED MONEY. So bad. I can't DO anything because I have no money, and I HATE how pushy my friends can be. They always want to go out and do things but it almost ALWAYS requires money and no matter how many fucking times I say I HAVE NO MONEY they still suggest things I cannot do. I know it's not their fault, but it's frustrating to hear, "let's do this, let's do that," when I can't do any of it and I explicitly tell them I don't have money for it. Then they act all sad and stuff when I can't do it and don't seem to understand why. My parents just don't throw money at me (especially not now after how things have been going).


I just want to move out... See my boyfriend as I please. Earn some wages. MAYBE GET A REAL JOB... I want my college life back...

But no... I want a salary. An adult job. I want someone to believe in me. It feels like no one believes in one another in today's job market. Experience this, experience that, how about you have some faith in me? I know I want to work hard, I know I want to make a living, I know I want to do these things so badly so I can move out as soon as I can.

I'm going to the mall tomorrow to apply to other stores. In the meantime I'll still do digital artwork on my computer to build my portfolio. Maybe that way I can design for whatever company hires me as their sales associate. Heh.

I just realized something. I need a dream. I don't think I have one. I don't know what to do with my life. I thought I knew, but that was before I realized how hard it is to do anything with a painting background. I know I want to see my boyfriend and friends a lot. But that cannot be my life long dream.

Maybe my dream is chocolate. That seems worthy enough.

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