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It's Kind of a Long Story
[Just wanna say, I almost wanna reply to the feedback I get, but I can't. I have my reasons, which mostly have to do with the high expectations that I myself expect you readers to have of me when I'm just... bleugh. Yeah, I dunno if that makes sense. Please know I think about you a lot. I'm paranoid so to feedbackers, I may not reply. Sometimes, I might. I always want to, though, always.]
Tuesday May 20, 2014 3:45 PM
So much to say, not enough time. Okay, actually I have several hours but that's besides the point.
1) Stupid boy troubles are stupid and cliche
2) I wish I had an index for my diary, since it's so large
3) How humans are programmed to recognize patterns
Shall we begin?
(note to self: so-subtle-its-not-even-there would be a great URL for tumblr)
I've decided to make an agenda of what I want to say before each entry now, since I keep losing track of other thoughts that pop into my head.
Back to the boy stuff. Ughhh. I CAN'T. IT'S ANNOYING. AND WORSE IS HOW EVERY TIME I HAVE... *shudders* ... FEELINGS... *shudders more violently* .... I FEEL LIKE A STUPID CLICHE.
I'M A HYPOCRITE. I CONTRADICT MYSELF. I WANT LOVE BUT IT'S DIFFICULT AND ANNOYING.
I'M MISERABLE. ACTUALLY, NOT REALLY, I FEEL PRETTY GOOD. BUT WHEN I CATCH MYSELF THINKING ABOUT HIM... *throws up a little inside, because whenever I read "him" I imagine a cartoon disney princess leaning her face on one fist and fluttering her eyelashes when really, I'm grimacing* ... I WANT TO SLAP MYSELF 'CAUSE SHUT THE FUCK UP, PLEASE.
Obviously, this isn't love. But it's like pre-pre-love. I know if I want something, I gotta get through it.
But to get to pre-love, I actually have to form a relationship. On one hand, in my head it's nice and beautiful, but applying that to real life is a whole other thing.
Applying that to real life requires commitment (which I lack), little to no disgust when it comes to feelings (I have TERRIBLE vulnerability issues and disgust is my main weapon when it comes to battling feelings), and also, RELATIONSHIPS ARE MESSY. THEY ARE UGLY. FROM THE OUTSIDE, CUTE, BUT ON THE INSIDE, A BLOODY MESS.
Waaaaiit,wait, wait. How do I even know this? I've never been in a relationship. Too much Netflix and reading.
But when I imagine a relationship, I imagine all the hardships. All the painful awkwardness. All the fights. All the unknowns. Most of all, relationships require me to be brave. I haven't learned how to do that, yet.
All the stuff I say about being disgusted when I think about boys, that's genuinely how I feel. I know I only feel this way because of my major fucks-everything-up vulnerablity problems.
I'm working so hard on those. Everyday, with everything I do. I just... slowly, I get a little more open. I've discovered that opening up slowly kinda has its perks. There are always new jokes to make.
So this guy...*pushes down urge to vomit*... (damn, it's hard to remind myself the only reason I'm ashamed of myself for feeling stuff is that I'm afraid)... sometimes I'm pretty sure he can read my mind.
I was listing the reasons I shouldn't like him. Not like he's forbidden fruit or whatever but I just can't deal with this.
Some of the reasons were:
-First of all, we're barely friends
-Don't know each other enough to like each other
I walk home everyday. So does he. Sometimes we walk together. I often feel like pushing him into the street while simultaneously wanting to talk to him.
Ah, feelings. Why the fuck were they created.
So back to the whole reading my mind thing. So his locker is right by mine. I didn't close my backpack all the way and he came over and did it for me.
(Paraphrasing the entire thing)
Him: See, I'm a nice person.
Me: yup, sure you are
Him: [something like, oh whats that supposed to mean, in a joking manner]
OK SO I JUST REALIZED IT'S NOT AT ALL LIKE HE READ MY MIND. OK. JUST WANTED TO INSERT THAT.
Me: Well, i don't really know you that well, so I can't say you're mean
Him: Whaddya mean you don't know me well, we talk everyday
Me: Talking everyday isn't the same as knowing someone well. I talk to a lot of people everday.
Him: Okay, okay, fine ask me questions.
Me: Ummmm... ahh. I don't know.
Him: Like, what's your favorite color.
Me: What's your favorite color?
Me: why am i not surprised
I probably remember the entire conversation because my stupid feelings forced me to memorize it. I'm not as feelingless as I sound (in the conversation, I know I'm very vibrant in writing)
His house is really close to the school so usually we only talk for like two minutes but it ended up being ten minutes because he walked with me until I was approximately halfway home.
Okay I'm done with feelings, seriously, from talking about him... *spews chunks* (gross description of puke, eh?)... I feel like crap.
I really wish I had an index for my diary so I could look up topics and people's names (the index would just be for me) and their code names. This would make it SO much easier to remember the code names and to remember what i talk about so I don't have to go on an hour long treasure hunt to find things I remembering writing.
It would make so much sense. So, yeah, mister my-diary.org creator, if you ever happen to stumble upon this (slim chance) , LET US HAVE INDEXES. FIGURE IT OUT.
I always wonder how people can just be religious and my sister kind of explained it to me yesterday. Humans are trained to recognize patterns and it's hard not to apply that to our world. We see unrelated things happen and tie them together as a coincidence.
It'd be hard NOT to be religious. I mean, even I have superstitions that I know are actually stupid.
Even I hope that God exists even though the horrible truth that I've realized is that he doesn't.
But I'm okay with that. I don't need an imaginary higher power to be responsible for my life. I can kind of take that pressure.
Hasta la vista. Suck a duck. Adios.
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