My marriage breakup has made me brave. I am not scared of thinking, asking or doing. I have no limit to what I want to achieve. I am still learning to be more disciplined in my approach and daily routine. I shouldn’t take any hostages. Nothing should be left undone. Most important thing is my target. Everything else is secondary for now. I am motivated to be successful. I wish I was 10 years younger. There is no time for all I want to do.
I was listening to a radio program last night on marriages and partners visiting escorts. There were analyzing the reasons why, the effect it has on a marriage and how both parties feel. Listening to the program gave me a bit of insight into how she must have felt. I have my reasons for doing that and in the main it was just experimenting with the things I wanted to do without any baggage. Why I didn't try and do with her , probably because I don’t believe I could with her but more importantly I think it is because we didn't’ have that closeness for me to be comfortable to discuss that with her. When I look back it is quite strange. I don’t think we were close but I loved her. Due to this I would do anything for her but yet feel uncomfortable to discuss certain things with her. Moreover I did not feel her. I didn't feel she would move mountains for me. I think she has some deep issues, that makes her believe very quickly that I am no good for her. Its like she expects me to be no good for her.
Although I don’t think I will truly ever reconcile with her (for me, she crossed the red line) I think I may understand a bit of the hurt and break of trust she felt. It is deeper than that for me but that is for another day. So I feel sorry, that I caused her pain. I have said sorry and apologized in so many ways in the past so now I got myself up and moved on. Now again, I am sorry for all the pain. I am happy that we have both moved on and our children are not suffering. I hope as we go to the next stage of the separation there would not be any major disruptions and permanent damage to the kids. No one wins in this situation unfortunately it cannot be helped.