My Heart Is Not A Machine
May 16th, 2014 - 10:14PM
Currently Listening To: Spooky Black - Without U
I've been home for five days and it's already a semi disaster. My dad is still overbearing and crazy, he's definitely not making anything easier.
After applying to a bunch of jobs I've discovered job hunting fucking sucks. Every employer wants "experience," even employers who are just looking for interns!! What the hell am I supposed to do? I applied to a few internships the other day and today I applied to a few part time retail jobs. I wouldn't mind doing retail for a while to save up some money, I really wouldn't, but the thought of not getting my life on track anytime soon scares me.
I have to drive to the mall this weekend and apply to some other jobs in person. I'm hoping something comes out of it. Speaking of driving, I still don't have a car and probably never will. I swear, there is no 22 year old in my area who doesn't have a car, it's literally impossibly to go anywhere without one. For the time being I just borrow my parents car but then I get all these dumb restrictions on it (naturally).
I know it's only been a few days at home, but I'm already anxious about jobs and money. I'm completely broke, and I'm aware I don't have to start paying off college loans until 6 months from now, but at this rate I'm never going to have the money for it! I'm envious of those people who have jobs lined up for them already. And then I start to wonder why I majored in art when I definitely should've majored in design or communications.
Graduation was definitely bittersweet. It's sad to know I won't see my college friends on the regular, but I know it's time to move on.
I've seen Z twice this week, and it's been great. I love him so much. But thanks to my crazy dad things are not as easy as they could be. Z lives 30-40 minutes away, depending on traffic. What's been happening during all the times we've hung out is Z would drive to my house, pick me up, drive back to his house, drop me off home (I don't have a car and not "allowed" to drive far distances). I feel awful about it because Z really shouldn't have to be doing all those things, but my stubborn father believes it's ok for Z to waste money and gas to drive me around instead of me driving to him.
Staying over is also an option, cause there will be nights when we hang out late or go to the bars/NYC and I obviously wouldn't be able to get a ride back late. But no, my dad was also against that idea. So today I had to sit him and my mom down and talk to them to come up with a compromise. My dad, with the mentality of a five year old, could not even talk about it without getting frustrated. It was laughable, really.
After that conversation my dad comes up to me and says I can drive to Z's house once a week. Really dad?? I asked about staying over, and my dad proceeds to tell me to "do whatever I want," but of course when I do that he gets mad.
Normally I wouldn't be so persistent on such issues, but the driving back and forth thing really IS inconvenient at times. My dad does not get it, at all. Also, do I need to remind him again that I'm a fucking adult!?!? I swear, if something as stupid as this shit came in between me and Z spending time together I would lose it. Even more annoying, my dad said my priorities are "out of whack." He then continues saying he's the "victim" and me and my mom are "against him" and he won't be "around for much longer."
WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT?!?! LIKE REALLY??? Any fucking problem in this household is ALWAYS TURNED AROUND BACK TO MY DAD, like he's some needy fucking child crying victim when things don't go his way. But of course when he feels he doesn't get his way he immediately accuses me of always wanting things my way, as if wanting to see my boyfriend more often is such a horrible, horrible thing. Yeah maybe he's worried about sex BUT TOO LATE it's already happened. It would be naive of him to think that I'm not sexually active at this point.
So that is my sad life. No job, overbearing and guilt trippy dad. Obviously things will improve in a couple weeks when I can actually see my friends (they're all still finishing up school), and I'm seeing Dave Matthews in concert with Z the weekend of the 31st. Obviously good things will come, but with little money and independence I'm having a hard time transitioning.
Let's hope I get a job soon! I need one!!
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