All That Sunshine
"505" by Arctic Monkeys
I crumble completely when you cry
It seems like once again you've had to greet me with goodbye
I'm always just about to go and spoil a surprise
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon
Thursday May 15, 2014 4:09 PM
So the past couple weeks I've been pissed. I mean, at EVERYONE. Here's what ticked me off about a couple of those people:
Super passive aggressive, angry for no fucking reason, hateful (like today she said she hates the human race, like shut the fuck up, we can be evil but we can also be amazing), and mean.
Always talking about clothes and soccer, always belittling me for things I say or questions I ask like this:
Laney: I'm baking cupcakes for my brother's party.
Me: Party for what?
Laney (scoffing at me and looking at me like I'm stupid): Graduation, duh! What else would a party this late in the school year be for?
(Me in my head: Maybe a fucking birthday, mother fucking smart ass)
Me: I was just asking, dude, it could've been for something else
Later she said she was baking stuff for someone else (that's her and Lily's business, baking) and I sarcastically asked if it was yet another graduation party and she said, AGAIN LIKE I WAS A FUCKING IDIOT, that no, it obviously wasn't since it's this weekend.
First of all, how the hell was I supposed to know when it was? Second, why act like I'm stupid? I was being sarcastic because of what you had said about that party before being obviously for graduation.
THINGS I WISHED I SAID TO THE BOTH OF THEM: "SHUT THE FUCK UP."
On the other hand, I love them and Laney is my closest friend and I'd trust her with anything and Aaron is super funny and friendly and blurghhrg. It's just these traits that make me want to fucking choke them to death.
This anger has been making me increasingly depressed. This anger that burns twenty four hours a day is reminiscent of the anger that fried my brain last December.
We went to the psychiatrist and of course her answer was to mess with the meds. I got into a mild argument with her because I told her that my mild anger was probably due to situational problems rather than brain chemistry imbalances.
Like school coming to a close, me giving up on working and things at school just getting harder, having to hang out with the kid that kissed me last weekend and blah blah blah.
I talked about my first kiss with Pat. I told her how it mostly made me feel so icky inside because I was too timid to stop him. It was awkward at first hanging out with him at Lily's party for me and Laney. He kept asking me why I kept glancing at him and looking away. It was because I desperately did not want to make eye contact with him.
It gets worse though. I actually like him. Not with a fiery burning passion or anything but I do. The awkwardness went away and dude he was adorable when tickled.
He made it very obvious to us that he had never had a first kiss which I took to meant that he didn't want to remember it either.
I'm partly relieved and partly offended but, I mean, thinking about how awkward that "kiss" was, I understand. No one wants a memory so un-magical.
Another issue is I just keep liking guys. So I'm definitely not a lesbian, haha. I'm annoyed by being like this because I just... I always feel stupid afterwards for feeling anything for anyone. Because love skews my vision. I don't know exactly how I acted with a person I see as potential.
I feel so scattered. I apologize for broken... sentenced and whatnot.
I feel different yet the same. For the first time, I fought to be off my medication instead of on it. For the first time, I admitted that while feeling EVERYTHING (see paragraph after this one for an explanation) can be complete torture, I also didn't want to lose it because it provides me with inspiration. And for the first time, I'm being more open.
What I meant by feeling everything is.... Well, it begins with my mom. She grew up really sensitive. Her siblings made fun of her for crying so much for so little. Everything hurt her and made her angry, like with me.
So yup... that got passed down to me. Even stories I see on the news hit me like a truck. So when I say everything hurts, YES, everything fucking hurts.
That might be why I have so many nightmares.
That's why I was always "easily traumatized". Random things stuck with me forever.
I'm glad I've learned to control this a little. Because now things are easier to tolerate, insults easier to brush off. I gotta go now, but yeah.
These intense feelings are extremely useful for my writing and my art.
Bye. I hope I write more often. I literally love this site. It's incredibly close to my heart. Well, my brain since all my heart does is pump blood. YEAH THATS RIGHT, IF IT WERE JUST MY HEART I'D BE A USELESS BAG OF SAND. Anyway bye, i know, sometimes I no maketh the sense.