Dinoraur.

Reality.
2014-05-13 03:01:15 (UTC)

Her.

I don't know what to do. I'm so sick of being upset. Of everything I do being wrong. Of communicating with people.. I seriously think I'm going to vomit. My stomach is so knotted up. I can't breathe.
I was Skyping my boyfriend, and I had to get up to let the dogs back in. I cried. I didn't take the iPod with me, so he didn't see. I let a few of the tears swelling in my eyes loose, then went back to him, acting the same as before. It's hard to hold in tears. So hard. I held in tears the whole time him and I talked. In the beginning, he made me feel like such crap. Like I messed even more things up.
Can't I ever get a break..
I don't know what to do. I don't know if her and I are okay. I'm not sure what's happening. His greatest advice was telling me to let her go, and stop talking to her. Then he made me feel like crap because I was talking to her. So I threw my phone.
I'm talking to her again now. He'll be pissed when he finds out, but whatever. Nothing knew. I screw everything up all the time anyway.. What's one more time. I just want to figure things out!!!
He doesn't seem to get it. She's my best friend. I have him, and I have her. That's about it. Sure, I have other friends, but she helps me so much more than the rest. I never hold back when I talk to her.
Fucckkkkk.
I don't even know. I don't.
I love him.. I wish I could be what he deserves. Zaros, I freaking wish
I could be what he deserves. He doesn't deserve this. I'm useless. He deserves someone so much better. Thank goodness he hasn't left though.
He can't leave. He just can't.
Nor can she. I seem to be pissing her off again. UGH. I'm going to check the laundry, and shower. Probably cry the rest of the night.

I'm so freaking tired, but I truly do not what to sleep. I want to deprive myself of sleep tonight. I will try to sleep though, since I told him I would try. But when I fail, I'll just continue crying.

When him and I were Skyping, I just kept rambling about such stupid crap. It was my way of not crying. That's what I do when I'm trying to forget about crying. You can tell the difference of when I'm trying not to cry, and when I'm just rambling because I don't know how to shut up.
I talk very mono-toned. It's weird, but. That's when you know I'm upset..
I feel like I'm going to literally pass out. My stomach hurts, and I'm dizzy. I'm so tired.
I thought things were looking good for me. See what I get for thinking..

Anyway, I need to get some things done. Ughhhh.
Goodnight. I love you. I love you so much.. I promise.




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