LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2014-05-03 15:14:40 (UTC)

Paranoid Thoughts


"A Comet Appears" by The Shins

The lonely are such delicate things
The wind from a wasp could blow them
Into the sea
With stones on their feet

[Yes, this song I've used before, possibly, so here's another one]

"Yellow Light" by Of Monsters & Men

Just follow my yellow light
And ignore all the warning signs


Saturday May 3, 2014 4:17 PM

I already mentioned me and Laney won an award for a photography project in early April. Well, since then, we haven't talked to our mentor, Ms. Photographer Lady, who is also the mother of a ginger kid at our school in our grade who is part genius.

She called me about entering another art show. I think we should.

I don't know how I feel about her, though. I think she wants me to be someone else. She doesn't like that I'm timid and indecisive. I remember many little things she said about that.

"You seem like the type of person to be easily traumatized."

Wow, thanks. The worst part is that she's right, though. I AM easily traumatized. I want to say it's not my fault because of my brain chemistry or something but I don't know. Everything affected every fiber of my being. It was like being repeatedly electrified.

It's still kind of like that.


I'm now attending a thing called "Peer Leadership."

It's a co-counseling club at my school. I'll list the reasons why i did it:

1) I asked Pat (therapist) about it and she said it was a good idea

2) I went without knowing anyone and again, that's a good enviroment for me if I want to learn how to be brave

3) The whole thing revolves around talking about stuff which I'm bad at. I think I need this if I want to belong to someone. If I want to belong to myself.

Last meeting I cried. I felt ridiculous. I mean, I was tired of spending my mini sessions not talking. I promised myself I was going to dive in. During the second mini session I talked about my bipolar diagnosis and my pills.

I almost had myself under control. Crying is my defense mechanism because I can't speak, not even in between sobs. It took a lot of concentration. At the end, though, she hugged me and said she was proud of me and i couldn't stop my tears because people don't say that to me.

Ever.

People kept hugging me and saying good job for crying and while it was nice and comforting I still felt stupid and alone.

I'm not going to cry next time. No matter what.

Now for my paranoia.

I have been feeling angry and hateful these past two weeks. Usually I'm not like this. I hate everyone, EVERYONE to a certain extent. Even my friends.

I'm so damn angry. Aaron especially makes me mad. She's so judgmental and self-centered and passive aggressive.

I love her to death but I hate her just a little less than i love her. She's always complaining about her amazing grades (she's on high honor roll). I don't think she's actually even angry that she had a ninety nine and not a one hundred, I think she just wants to let people know she had a fucking A plus without seeming like she's bragging.


She;s mean about little things and says mean stuff to me and my other friends. She acts like she's better than me and gets easily offended. Like it's OK for her to judge other people and laugh about it but it's not okay if someone does the same exact thing for her.

She's needy. Honestly, she frustrates the fuck out of me.


I've been think about what would happen to me if my parents died. Would my sister be able to take care of me? Probably not. Would I go into foster care? Or would I be adopted by someone I know? Would they keep me? I'm hard to handle. I have issues. I need several doctors and someone to pay for my medication. I'm expensive.

Who would keep me?

No one, I think.


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