Broken Heart; Broken Promises
2014-04-27 21:53:39 (UTC)

Putting things in perspective by remembering....

I sit in my living room feeling so different; something is missing. My heart is in a state of brokenness, shock, betrayal, longing, mourning, grief, disbelief etc. What happened? I've had this dream many, many times throughout the last 4 years but I am awake and it feels so real. It is real. April 2, 2014 would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. 20 years of being married but 17.5 of actual living together. Why did I allow him a second chance? Or third? I have lost count.

Our first separation was in Calgary, AB Oct/Nov 2004. I had enough of him and his inability to be a husband and father; even being friends was nowhere to be found in our dishevelled relationship. We had moved 12 times, 6 City's/Towns in 11 years of marriage with 3 children. In the course of my 18 years of growing up I moved 3 times. I am used to roots, stability, structure, contentment, building a family and working extremely hard to make it work at whatever the cost. I didn't come from a perfect family but my parents have through the grace of God survived their marriage. It would probably be considered a perfect dysfunctional family today and even back then.

I had graduated from high school May 1991 and was ready to tackle the world on my own. Going back into secondary education was out of the question as I had enough of being in school, besides I earned my right to choose whether to return back to school or find something else to do. Missions was something that peaked my interest for many years; helping others and putting their needs before my own was truly where my heart lead. I applied at many YWAM centers excluding the one closest to my home town. You would've done the same too!! I was young and needed freedom at the ripe old age of 18. The time came to fly to my new destination of Tyler, Texas. Another country and far from home. I was sick to my stomach with nerves in my throat. Scared as I would have to put myself out there and introduce myself in order to make new friends. I could have just stayed put and continued with my friendships back home, 9 to 5 $8.00/hr. retail store job. But no I had to quit my job, pack my bags and challenge myself to be more than I was. It turned out to be the most life changing experience and one that will always be at the fore front of my heart. I no longer held the coat tails of my parents faith as I sought God for myself and was knocked off my feet with His everlasting mercy and grace. His love never ending even through the hard times of feeling like I failed as a daughter for the times I rebelled and did my own thing. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing when ones heart opens and you freely can render your heart open and walk through the process of giving all to God.