LustingforNightmares

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2014-04-19 23:16:26 (UTC)

PART TWO - oh week later blah blah


as I post this, it is now Sunday April 20, 2014 12:17 AM

As some might have noticed, the deeper I get into thought and the faster I type, the less I pay attention to spelling and little mistakes so I'm sorry about that, but, dude, don't ruin my concentration. Okay, I'm tired, g'bye.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANYWAY. WAY OFF TOPIC. WHAT WAS MY TOPIC???

Socialness. I've been less social. I did hang out with Laney once, and I went rock climbing and this dinner today....Oh, and Sunday I helped out at my dad's church. I like helping during coffee hour or whatever it's called. And the bagels are delicious.

I missed my appointment with Pat, which sucks because that hour where I just get to talk to her nonstop is amazingly therapeutic, as it's supposed to be.

I'm trying to join a club that is a co-counseling group where students just council each other so maybe I can slowly ease off doing real therapy. Even though I'll miss Pat.


That co-counseling thing is actually making me kind of excited for school. There was a really cute guy there (I've realized over time that I am not bisexual or lesbian. I like guys. Guys guys guys. At least so far. Who knows, maybe my sexual preference can change. Why not?).

I was surprised I found him cute only because he was black. That sounds a tad bit racist but, like, my friend Meeka only likes black guys. There is one exception for her but usually that's who she goes for. Usually I crush on mostly white guys (I realized the last person I liked was hispanic).

I don't think it's a race thing. I don't know what it is. I guess what it is, it's their demeanor. Most black kids in my school live in the downtown area which is dubbed "ghetto".

I don't usually get attracted to people from downtown 'cause it's kind of a different culture. Some people from downtown aren't interested in learning and are not even trying. I like a person who tries. I find that attractive.

The guy was really cute and he's 60% the reason I'm going back. I partly didn't want to return because my socializing that day was terrible. I think people might've though I was arrogant or something but I only kept my mouth shut and avoided eye contact because I was barely keeping myself together.

Talking about those sensitive subjects and hearing others from my school talk about how they're falling apart inside made me kind of break. I couldn't... I couldn't handle it. I cracked. I actually cried in my therapy group. Crying is my defense mechanism. It stops me from talking about the deep shit in my head.


I also just realized that it takes a while of me talking/thinking/writing to actually get to the raw stuff. Like when you're mining, it takes awhile to get to the gold or coal or iron or whatever you want.

Huh. I learn new stuff about me everyday. I kinda like me. I think she's pretty ugly, but at least she's pretty cool... at least to me.


Everyday I become increasingly aware of how dorky I am. I mean, c'mon, seriously? Doctor Who, Harry Potter, Buffy, Percy Jackson, Sherlock, minecraft, Bob's burgers, arrested developtment, supernatural, bones, how most of the stuff I read is about magic or mythology and...


I should probably start a new sentence now.

I have a huge gap in my reading though. I read books for twelve year olds and then I read classics.

I read To Kill A Mockingbird in fourth grade. Percy Jackson in sixth grade. I read Huckleberry Finn (fifth grade, i think) and Tom Sawyer(eighth grade) (not the touched up kinds, but the real ones with all the confusing slang and such). Other classic books no other kid wants to read. And then a bunch of books that only the nerds in my school read.


I am a nerd. I am in that category. None of my friends are as nerdy as me. Lily kind of is but she makes it seem cool. I do not. I really do not. I am fully dorkified.


I am a dork. I hope whoever I end up with is also a dork, though, because I wouldn't give up any of the things I love if you were to kill me.

As I learned in the philosophy book: which things are essential to my being me? Which things are not?

if you take away my impaired vision and replace it with perfect vision, I will still be Veronica. I will still have anxiety and I will still have trouble being social.

But if you take away my likes (art, my whole dork collection, my favorite color, my wanting to go to comicon) and replace it with other likes, I am no longer the person I was. I will still be in my body, but it won't be me. I might like pink and I might love skiing or something.

Actually now I'm questioning myself. I think the things I like are a huge part of my personality. But are they essential? Are they as essential as my memories?


Okay this is too deep. Actually being a philosopher might be nice.

I like thinking. Thinking is the reason I like monotonous activities, like five hour car rides and trimming a rose bush. The endless scenery and the way I just clip-clip-clip the thorns forever.

Which reminds me I had a thought about whether or not the world can end. Can it? The world as we know it, yes, but the world itself? Won't it still be a world?

I feel right now that this path of thinking is a dead end, like in minecraft, you discover a cave and then it turns out to be really small and that's kind of disappointing.


I could go on about how being hispanic in my roots makes my super-american self uncomfortable but that is for another time (basically, I wish I felt more hispanic since I love the culture).

I could go on about going on, but I'll try not to... So see ya. Expect a PS.

-Veronica


PS: That hispanic guy I liked? I feel stupid for liking him because everybody says he's kind of an arrogant asshole. They're friends with him and they like him, but he's an asshole. Well then.

Yes, I've reverted back to normal [almost] fifteen year old girl, GOOD DAY.



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