LolitaKat

Diary of a modern Lolita
2014-04-15 03:11:24 (UTC)

My Confusing thoughts Part 1

Hello, Random Strangers. Before I begin. I'm in no way doing this for people to feel sorry for me. I'm just doing it to talk, and get things off of my chest, and just to see if there's someone out there who gets and understands what I am going through. So lets begin.
Quite honestly I started this because I've been having quite a hard time lately. It's no longer with bullies or people I go to school with. It's my damn head. For the longest time I have been able to completely push my feelings aside. No I'm not gay. No I'm not transgender. I'm totally completely messed up. I crave the attention of older men. I don't know what's been up with me lately, but it's all I can think about. I began dating this boy who's my age. Every time he grabs my hand, Every time he kisses me, I wish it was someone else. Someone much older. And it scares me.
It worries me. I think about it non stop. What it would be like to be with someone older. I crave it. I've never really been one for fanfiction, but lately it's been like an outlet I use so I can read about... Relationships like I crave. It makes me feel so sick. I don't understand why I feel this way. It's been consuming my every thought lately.
On a different not, I'm dance captain in the all Women show choir. I'm excited for that. And I'm excited for colorguard to start up again. I can't wait to preform under the lights again. It's the most amazing experience I've felt in my not so long life. It's the only reason I'm still at my school.
I guess I'm going to go. Nothing really to interesting happened today. Maybe I'll post more thoughts tomorrow. I dunno. Oh well. Until next time.
~LK




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